Academy Blog

24 02 2008

Only because it’s traditional and P will want a full report. Because I have neither interest nor inclination this week end.

1145: Just realized E!’s Red Carpet Coverage begins five full hours before the show itself and it is quite possibly longer than the show per se. Insane. I will wait for ABC’s official coverage and pretend to get some “work” done until then.

1700: Regis is presiding with two women I have never heard of. Jack Nicholson is in the front row wearing sunglasses, again. Why is he a big deal?

1708: Who is Miley Cyrus and why is she at the Oscars?

1715: Daniel Day-Lewis’ ears get top billing because of pirate hoop ear rings he has deigned to wear. Natch.

1722: Ellen Page hates the press. So I love her. First reference to Diablo Cody, former stripper. Not candy striper.

1727: Regis just called Javier Bardem X-avier, as in Magneto and Charles X-avier.

1733: Jon Stewart, host, crushed the Vanity Fair party, Norbit and called the Oscars make-up sex. Now he waxes political.

1742: The Golden Age wins best costume. Strong work. No office pool this year but I’d pick it as I have seen only three other nominated films (and one cartoon) this year. Jennifer Garner is so plain.

1752: The second film I’ve seen wins for animation. Ratatouille. Pointless mini-interview with Barbra Streisand. Equal time for both candidates? Where’s our Oprah-bama shot?

1801: Happy Working Song. So Disney. So blah. So not happening.

1805: Montage of shots with overworked ET score. So typical.

1815: Extended clip of Cuba Gooding Jr making an ass of himself before he became a crack whore. I think. Katherine Heigl is nervous (though they said her name right) but she is wearing altogether too much read and her face continues to be rather lop sided.

1817: Jennifer Hudson has progressively enlarged and become more unattractive than I can remember. X-avier Bardem thanks his mama in Espanol as Best Supporting Actor.

1834: Peter and the Wolf makers drag on a prop which is not used. At least for the Penguin movie, they flashed it about. The Rock was afraid of melting faces in the first Indy movie. Catherine Zeta-Jones was born when Michael Douglas won an Oscar. Trivia to store away. And Nicole Kidman scares me.

1839: Tilda Swinton (who might still be a man) wins for Best Supporting Actress. Third movie I’ve seen. It’s not a start turn but the roles are always weaker for men. Bizarre reference to Mr. Clooney’s bat suit nipples. And her agent’s butt. She seems like fun. Whatever. I used to think, historically, that Cate Blanchett was Tilda Swinton. Tonight it is clear to me that they are not.

1855: Kristin Chenoweth sings from Enchanted but it sounds like a song from Wicked. She wasn’t even in the film. Odd choice. I am so bored.

1903: Superbad guys pretend to be Halle Berry and Dame Judi Dench. Meh! Then the Bourne Ultimatum wins awards for Sound Editing AND Sound Mixing. Why not just combine these awards. Also, this is a movie I have actually seen.

1913: Cotillard wins, meaning no American has won any acting awards yet. Thought I certainly could not bear to sit through another Julie Chrisite whingemarathon. But Cotillard told someone he “rocked her life”. So she speaks French and American. A cunning linguist we have here. Who can sing.

1925: EVERY SINGLE Best Picture gets 2 seconds of screen time. and Bourne Ultimatum wins something again.

1935: A very old man wins an honorary Oscar. He will likely keel over in the coming months. RIP. Nicole Kidman’s jewels are so off center and she doesn’t quite look preggers.

1945: Penelope Cruz speaks 4 languages. Good for her – now make her speak English properly.

1957: Jon Stewart, who is bombing big time, graciously brings out the Marketa chick to give her acceptance speech which was played off. It is quite genuine. My heart, such as remains of it, is warmed. Renee Zellwegger looks, as always, like she ate a lemon. So many songs from Enchanted. Perhaps I should Netflix it.

2000: Dead people montage. Ingmar Bergman. Heath Ledger might have clinched it if he were slotted earlier.

2010: Atonement wins for Best Score. I have seen no more films so I am officially done. Harrison Ford is called a car dealership – are some good writers still on strike?

2025: Diablo Cody, former exotic dancer, wins for Juno. Why not concealer for her naughty tattoo? Why not a dress covering up all her jiggly bits? I mean there are small children watching. Then again, she WAS a stripper.

2030: Daniel Day-Lewis and his hoop ear rings win a prize. Americans are shut out.

2048: Coen brothers win many awards. I barely care. It’s over.

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