Die Hard

It is here. And it is spectacular. 

“Why are you so calm? Have you done that kind of stuff before?”

iPhone Home

Apple hopes to sell 10 million by the end of next year and AT&T (formerly Cingular) hopes it will help gain market share over Verizon Wireless. The high price of the phone ($499, not included taxes and fees, a 2-yr service contract with AT&T only, and various peripherals) deters many from buying it immediately. It will not work on AT&T’s fastest 3G network but will work with WiFi hotspots for faster connections. While there will be many early adopters, it may have difficulty in the broader market. A limited survey of 2000 US net surfers found only 3% would have a strong interestin buying this today. As today’s estimated population is 301,139,947, that would be 9,034,198. Not bad for an estimate – they now have 1 year to find a million more customers worldwide – how challenging indeed, given prices will fall and technical glitches will be addressed. Those used to a physical radio button keyboard face will have a learning curve. Another issue is that the battery isn’t replaceable by the user (just like the iPod) but that did not stop you from going out and buying one, did it?

On balance it combines intelligent voice calling, a fullfledged iPod and a beautiful interface for usic and video playback. Its Safari is an elegant movile browser and it has robust email software. it syncs elegantly with PCs and Macs using iTunes software. it has the largest and highest resolution screen of any smart phone and the most internal memory, being the thinnest smart phone available with impressive battery life. The omission of the keyboard  will win you over because of smart sofware that corrects typos on the fly. The big problem – cellphone network. It only works with AT&T and cannot use SIM cards that permit it to run on T-mobile’s network so you cannot use it overseas unless you have an AT&T roaming plan. AT&T has significant dropped calls in my subdivision so this is not an option. It can’t even run on 3G using a pokey network called EDGE, far slower that the fastest networks from Verizon or Sprint. The initial iPhone cannot be upgraded to use the faster networks. But it can use wi-fi networks (Pleasanton downtown will be wi-fi by year’s end) and Concord, Pleasant Hill and the Creek already are. Monthly plans from AT&T, all including unlimited net and email usage, run from $60 to $220, depending on voice minutes. You choose the plan when you connect the iPhone to the iTunes software (not in the store). The phone is as long as the Blackberry 8800, wider than the BlackJack and heavier than each. There are only three (3) buttons along the edges. On the top to wake it up and put it to sleep. On the left, volume control and a mute switch. The head phone jack is deeply recessed so you need an adapter for existing iPod headphones. The iPhone uses the standard iPort on the bottom but does not recognize all car adapter to play music (only to charge). This should have a service pack soon. Flick with your finger to go through long lists (emails, songs, contacts), tap to select items, pinch and drga in/out to resize. You cannot use a stylus for any of this. If you turn from vertical to horizontal in a web browser or photo program, the image turns and resizes. That is fun. For five minutes. You cannot cut, copy or paste text. BlackBerry email services cannot be used on the phone. The base model ($499) has 4GB of memory but the $599 has 8GB which is much more than smartphone out there (Treo 700p is the most at 128MB) but less than an iPod. You cannot carry a spare battery but it runs up to 7 hours (most others top off at 5.5 hours). For only use as a continuous music playback, you get 22 hours and about 6 hours (4 movies) for video playback.

The phone interface is clean and simple but you take more taps and you need to scroll as you cannot start typing a name or number. Voice call quality is good, not great. It can use Bluetooth wireless headsets. There is no way to transfer numbers via AT&T from an existing phone. There is no instant messaging. It cannot record video. It cannot use Adobe Flash technology. You cannot use your songs as ringtones. There are no games. You cannot directly access the iTunes Music Store. It is not for someone who wants a cheap small phone to ring and text. It is not for me. But it’s very pretty.

Boot Camp

It’s Boot Camp for winos! 

0830: 31 of us. 3 vans. Sleepy. We are to be shutted in red and white vans to Sonoma square. I feel like the Red Cross people in “Tears of the Sun”

0850: Orientation. Uniforms. Induction. The t shirts are not terribly chic. I am not being Gucci’d Pucci’d. Some kid in a sweatshop in Qidong made this. For the cost of a drop of the red wine we will drink. There are heaping baskets of croissants, muffins and juice boxes. Besides the tees, we get a three ring binder, orders of the day and a baseball cap. There is also water and bos of healthy (and not so much) snacks to sustain us

0900: Nobody is wasting time here. We are off to a vineyard tour at Gundlach Nudschu. More brown paper bags crammed with GB goodies. Briefing.

0940: Suckering. Precise pruning to ensure proper growth for next year’s grape growth. I am basically opposed to manual labor but I find this to be contemplative and meditative. Of course, I do not do this day after day in the hot sun so I count my blessings.

1045: Winery tour. 10,000 foot long tunnel. Barrel tasting. I love this part.

1130: Aromatic workshop. Laminated sheets. 21 small containers. They have items like pineapple, honey, cherry, jam, cinnamon, vanilla. 2 wine glasses. Labeled “ONE” and “TWO”. Ready, set, go. We taste five rounds of two (2) wines each. Swirl for clarity, brilliance, tone and depth. Then inhale. Then taste. We make copious notes. I feel like I am in OChem class. Gooseberry smells like cat urine. Or dog urine, I am not quite sure which.

1230:  Mess hall. Panini. Asiago pasta. Warm cookies.  GB 2001 Chardonay and 2001 Gamay Noir. Hike up the knoll for pictures.

1345: Tantalus on the west side. We taste 1999 Semillon (RR Valley), 1999 Syrah (Lodi) and Cab Sauvs (1998, 1999, both Sonoma). Note – this was not on the schedule so someone in my group pulled strings. I like diversions so much.

1500: Benziger. Trolley ride. Late Harvest riesling 1994. An older lady says it’s better than sex. Oh, honey, you poor thing. Barrel tasting. Meh.

1600: Beakers, pipettes, funnels. I am getting bored in a Benziger garage. Now we are mixing varietals to make individualized bottles. 2000 Reserve Cab Sauv, Merlot and Petit Verdot. This is like blending at Tenuta’s for M’s surprise birthday but with less excitement. I seal my bottle with molten wax. It looks all so professional. To me. But I really want to be making labels.

1715: Appetizers. Yummy. Pre-dinner wines from Kaz and Kunde. Kaz makes organic sulfite free wines.

1800: Graduation. I feel so guilty – I didn’t do much to deserve this. Better than sex lady used to be a high school principal. Now I have to behave. I talk to the Christians in the group. There’s a guy who received this as his Fathers’ Day gift. Finally, he’s decided to speak to us – I am thinking steroid daze. Impressive guns.

1815: Dinner. Wine paired. Stuffed

2000: Heading to the hotel room to bang this out for you. Huge email pile up expected but have to be up at crack o’dawn to head back to work. I love a mid week break.

Exit Blair

At least he had a good sense of humour. Last month as the PM who’s not “bovvered”.

Iced Coffee

Please. Iced coffee should be cold-brewed.

• clean up a Mason jar and a sieve
• add water to the coffee, stir, cover and leave overnight on the counter
• strain grounds through the sieve; filter silt through a coffee filter
• dilute brew one to one with water for immediate use OR freeze concentrate into cubes for later use

I add half and half, and amaretto sugar, but that’s just me

Scary Movies

Millennium Dome

7 controversial years and GBP 750,000,000 later, the building formerly known as Millennium Dome reopens Sunday. Now called O2, it seats 23,000. Many acts are set to charge a reasonable GBP30 per seat but her concerts sold out in just 20 minutes. It is a real life Tardis. As high as Nelson’s column, it would take a million pints of beer to fill it. You could get the Tour Eiffel in there on its side, 18000 double decker buses, 12 football pitches and even (gasp) new Wembley. Getting there couldn’t be easier. There’s a tube station on its doorstep, London city airport is next door and AEG (which owns the high speed Thames Clipper) runs regular river shuttles every 15 minutes on show nights. Other nights, it departs every hour from Waterloo Pier (30) or London Bridge Pier (20 minutes). Food waste is 100% recycled and all vegetable oil used for cooking will be returned into biodiesel. The roof lights are five times as energy efficient as before. 74% of goers are expected to arrive by public transport and 43% of the staff is local.

Mobile phone network O2 is paying GBP6 million annually for the naming rights. O2 users get extra perks including 48 hour early access to tickets, fast track entry and VIP bar with chill out zone, DJ and texting jukebox. You can take three (3) friends with you. Mobile ticketing with Ticketmaster is another perk.

By tube, take the Jubilee Line to North Greenwich (Zone 2). Canary wharf in 5. London Bridge/Stratford in 10. Waterloo in 15  and Bond Street in 15 minutes. Jubilee Line is the only underground that connects with all others so you can come from out of Londontown via National Rail.

Fun facts:

• the twelve steel masts are 100 meters high
• if you turne dit upside down, it would take Niagara falls 15 minutes to fill it (or you could fill it with 1100 olympic pools water)
• its volume is thirteen Albert Halls, ten St Paul’s Cathedrals or two old Wembleys
• or 72 Wimbledon tennis courts
• Entertainment Ave is as long and broad as Bond Street
• ther are 548 toilets: no more queuing

Feel It

M had a lovely retirement party for J this evening. As it was at her lovely abode, a smashing time was had by all. After P’s customary roast, everyone paid lovely heartfelt compliments. All richly deserved. I am so blessed to have worked, to be working and to continue to work in the company of these ab fab persons. Can you feel it?

Samovar Service

Sam (self) and varit (to cook) are combined to form samovar, the traditional Russia tea water cooker. It was the showpiece of the Russian tea table of yore. The town of Tula was the center of samovar making using cast iron, copper and brass, variablyplated with nickel, silver and gold since 1778. The rich had several used as decorative objects. The wealthy had a samovar room. It is the very symbol of genuine Russian hospitality.

The body/bulk of the samovar is round, resembling a cylinder, sphere, vase, pear, goblet or barrel. It consists of a large body (tulovo, vaza) enclosing a water container mounted on a raised base (poddon), with a thick neck (sheika) and legs of variable design. Within the water pot is a narrow hollow vertical tube (kuvshin) where the fuel (wood chip, fire wood, pine cone, charcoal) is placed as a heating element. This is replaced by immersion rods in the newer electrical iterations. In the upper neck is a ventilation chamber (reshetka) to access oxygen to the fuel tube with possible use of a bellows. To the lower part is attached a faucet (kran) operated with a simple valve (kliucj) to pour out hot water in tea cups. Handles (ruchki) to lift and move the samovar are attached on the upper part of the body. The samovar is closed with a wide lid (kryshka) atop which there is a large raised ring shaped base (konforka) to hold a tea pot (chainik). The lid has small holes (otdushniki) to let the steam escape and small knobs (shishki) for lifting it. Electrical samovars were introduced in the 1950s.

The water for tea is heated in the samovar. Strongly concentrated tea (zavarka) is brewed in a separate, small teapot (zavarnik). The pot is kept warm by placing it on the konforka on top of the hot samovar. To serve, a small amount of tea decoction concentrate is poured into tea cups (chainye chashki) through a small tea sieve (sitechka) and diluted to taste with the hot boiling water (kipiatak).Traditionally, the samovar is always placed on a separate table or stool. Today it might also be placed at the end of the dinner table with tea cups or glasses. A few pastries and biscuits are served in little baskets alongside small bowls with different jams and confections. Containers for sugars or honey and thinly sliced lemons are placed beside. For a more abundant meal, butter, bread, cold cuts and cheese are set to make open sandwiches. Nobody should leave hungry.

America’s Talent

I. Am. Speechless.

Royal Ascot

300 000 racegoers make the Royal Ascot the king of the race meetings. This week is the 200th anniversary of the Gold Cup. There are sixteen races on offer. Tomorrow is Ladies’ Day. There is a frequent service to Ascot from both Reading and London Waterloo. The average journeytime is 27  minutes and46 minutes respectively. Regular services also run from Guilford. The rail station is a brisk 7 minute walk from the race course. There is over GBP3 000 000 on offer. If you’re driving down from London town, take the M4, junction 6 onto the A332 Windsor bypass and follow the signs to Ascor. 50 minutes.

Gross National

Check out which country’s GDP matches your State. I am, apparently, French.

England Restaurants

FISH

• The Seafood Restaurant Riverside, Padstow, Cornwall (01841 532700)
• Venus Café Blackpool Sands, Dartmouth, Devon (01803 770606). Anchorstone Café: Manor Street, Dittisham, Dartmouth (01803 722365)
• J Sheekey 28-32 St Martin’s Court, London WC2 (020-7240 2565)
• Barrafina 54 Frith Street, London W1 (020-7813 8016)
• The Riverside Restaurant West Bay, Bridport, Dorset (01308 422011)
• The Kishorn Seafood Bar Kishorn, Strathcarron, Ross, Scotland (01520 733240)
• Crab House Café Ferryman’s Way, Wyke Regis, Weymouth, Dorset (01305 788867) 
• Bank 4 Brindley Place, Birmingham (0121 633 4466)
• The Oyster Shack Milburn Orchard Farm, Stakes Hill, Bigbury, Devon (01548 810876)
• The Sticky Prawn Flushing Quay, Falmouth, Cornwall (01326 373734)

STYLISH 

• Scott’s 20 Mount Street, London W1 (020-7495 7309) 
• Tides Grill St David’s Hotel & Spa, Havannah Street, Cardiff (029-2031 3018)
• Le Caprice Arlington House, Arlington Street, London SW1 (020-7629 2239)
• The Fat Duck High Street, Bray, Berkshire (01628 580333)
• The River Restaurant at the Lowry Hotel The Lowry Hotel, 50 Dearmans Place, Chapel Wharf, Manchester (0161 827 4041)
• The Ivy 1-5 West Street, London WC2 (020-7836 4751)
• Atrium 10 Cambridge Street, Edinburgh (0131 228 8882) 
• The Wolseley 160 Piccadilly, London W1 (020-7499 6996) 
• The Sir Charles Napier Inn Sprigg’s Alley, Chinnor, Oxfordshire(0149 4483 011) 
• Gordon Ramsay 68 Royal Hospital Road, London SW3 (020-7352 4441)

OUTDOORS

• The River Café Thames Wharf, Rainville Road, London W6 (020-7386 4200) 
• Hotel Tresanton St Mawes, Cornwall (01326 270055) 
• Porthminster Beach Café Porthminster Beach, St Ives, Cornwall (01736 795352) 
• Riverside Brasserie Bray Marina, Monkey Island Lane, Bray, Berkshire (01628 780553) 
• The White Horse Main Road, Brancaster, Norfolk (01485 210262) 
• Petersham Nurseries Off Petersham Road, Richmond, Surrey (020-8605 3627)
• Babington House Babington House, near Frome, Somerset (01373 812266) 
• Daylesford Organic Daylesford Organic, Daylesford, near Kingham, Gloucestershire (01608 731700) 
• Hotel Endsleigh Milton Abbot, Tavistock, Devon (01822 870000) 
• The Garden Café at Hillers Farmshop Garden Café at Hillers Farm Shop, near Alcester, Warwickshire (01789 491950)

CLASSIC

• The Ubiquitous Chip 12 Ashton Lane, Glasgow (0141 334 5007) 
• Café Royal Oyster Bar 17A West Register Street, Edinburgh (0131 556 4124) 
• The Goring Beeston Place, Grosvenor Gardens, London SW1 (020-7396 9000) 
• Mr Chow 151 Knightsbridge, London SW1 (020-7589 7347) 
• Kensington Place 201 Kensington Church Street, London W8 (020-7727 3184) 
• Clarke’s 124 Kensington Church Street, London W8 (020-7221 9225) 
• Le Manoir Aux Quat’ Saisons Great Milton, Oxon (01844 278881) 
• Wheelers Oyster Bar 8 High Street, Whitstable (01227 273311) 
• Rogano 11 Exchange Place, Glasgow (0141 248 4055) 
• Le Gavroche 43 Upper Brook Street, London W1 (020-7499 1826)

ITALY

• Locanda Locatelli 8 Seymour Street, London W1 (020-7935 9088)
• Assaggi 39 Chepstow Place, London W2 (020-7792 5501)
• Sardo 45 Grafton Way, London W1 (020-7387 2521)
• Osteria Posillipo 14 Albion Street, Broadstairs, Kent (01843 601133)
• Brio 40 Great George Street, Leeds (0113 246 5225)
• Valvona and Crolla 19 Elm Row, Edinburgh (0131 556 6066)
• La Parmigiana 447 Great Western Road, Glasgow (0141 334 0686)
• Il Forno 132 Duke Street, East Village, Liverpool (0151 709 4002)
• Firenze 9 Station Street, Kibworth Beauchamp, Leicester (0116 279 6260)
• Stock The Stock Exchange, 4 Norfolk Street, Manchester (0161 839 6644)

TAPAS 

• Brindisa Borough Market, Stoney Street, London SE1 (020-7407 1036)
• El Faro 3 Turnberry Quay, Pepper Street, London E14 (020-7987 5511)
• Salt Yard 54 Goodge Street, London W1 (020-7637 0657)
• Fino 33 Charlotte Street, London W1 (020-7813 8010)
• Eyre Brothers 70 Leonard Street, London EC2 (020-7613 5346)
• Barioja 19 Jeffrey Street, Edinburgh (0131 557 3622)
• Ultracomida 31 Pier Street, Aberystwyth (01970 630686)
• Pintxo People 95 Western Road, Brighton (01273 732323)
• La Plancha 113 Alcester Road, Moseley Village, Birmingham (0121 449 5430)
• El Rincon de Rafa 244 Deansgate, Manchester (0161 839 8819)

CHEAP

• Nauroz 219 Field End Road, Eastcote, Middlesex (020-8868 0900)
• Bistro on the Square 1 Chapel Square, Aberdovey, Gwynedd (01654 767448) 
• Quarter 7 Falkner Street, Liverpool, Merseyside (0151 707 1965)
• The Balti Triangle Zeb’s Miripuri Cuisine, 250 Ladypool Road, Birmingham (0121 449 8909). Al Frash, 186 Ladypool Road, Birmingham (0121 753 3120)
• Petit Paris 17 Queensferry Street, Edinburgh (0131 226 1890)
• Quartier Vert 85 Whiteladies Road, Clifton, Bristol (0117 973 4482)
• Viela 8-9 The Strait, Steep Hill, Lincoln (01522 576765)
• Effings 50 Fore Street, Totnes, Devon (01803 863435)
• Vincent Rooms Westminster Kingsway College, Vincent Square, London SW1 (020-7802 8391)
• The French Connection 65 Station Road, Taunton (01823 352645)

WINES

• The Capital 22 Basil Street, London SW3 (020-7589 5171)
• Chez Bruce 2 Bellevue Road, London SW17 (020-8672 0114)
• Enoteca Turi 28 Putney High Street, London SW15 (020-8785 4449)
• Hakkasan 8 Hanway Place, London W1 (020-7907 1888)
• The Harrow at Little Bedwyn Little Bedwyn, Nr Marlborough, Wiltshire (01672 870871)
• The Hotel du Vin and Bistro Ship Street, Brighton (01273 718588)
• Ransome’s Dock 35-37 Parkgate Road, London SW11 (020-7223 1611)
• The Stagg Inn Titley, Kington, Herefordshire (01544 230221)
• The Tate Gallery Restaurant Millbank, London SW1 (020-7887 8825)
• The Witchery by The Castle Castlehill, The Royal Mile, Edinburgh (0131 225 5613)

COUNTRY PUBS

• The Glenelg Inn Nr Kyle of Lochalsh, Ross, Scotland (01599 522273)
• The Drunken Duck Inn Barngates, Ambleside, Cumbria(01539 436347)
• The Museum Inn Farnham, nr Blandford Forum, Dorset (01725 516261)
• The Star Inn 18 Market Place, Harome, nr Helmsley, North Yorkshire (01439 770397)
• The White Hart Wytham, Oxford (01865 244372)
• Highwayman Inn Burrow, Kirkby Lonsdale, Lancashire(01524 273338)
• The Jolly Sportsman Chapel Lane, East Chiltington, East Sussex (01273 890400)
• The Cricketers Clavering, Saffron Walden, Essex (01799 550442)
• The Felin Fach Griffin Inn Felin Fach, Brecon, Powys (01874 620111) 
• Bushmills Inn Bushmills, Co Antrim (028-2073 3000)

VEGGIE TREATS

• Mildreds 45 Lexington Street, London W1 (020-7494 1634)
• Eat and Two Veg 5 Marylebone High Street, London W1 (020-7258 8595)
• The Gate 51 Queen Caroline St, London W6 (020-8748 6932)
• Terre à Terre 71 East Street, Brighton (01273 729051)
• E & O 14 Blenheim Crescent, London W11 (020-7229 5454)
• Quince and Medlar 13 Castlegate, Cockermouth, Cumbria (01900 823579)
• The Three Chimneys Colbost, Dunvegan, Isle of Skye (01470 511258)
• The Place New Lydd Road, Camber Rye, East Sussex (01797 225057)
• The Grain Shop 269a Portobello Road, London W11 (020-7229 5571)
• Gaylord 79-81 Mortimer Street, London W1 (020-7580 3615

Fathers Day

Say No to these Very Bad Ideas.

Allrighty Then

V and I were in Costco when we saw a parent explaining to his teenage kid how to wash his hands. Staggering that idiots have such great fertility rates. By the same token, I must state that I absolutely hate unexceptionally the blow driers that allegedly clean our hands – it serves as some kind of discouragement to hand washing as we know our hands will never be clean enough. Even more ghastly is the dreadful explanatory cartoon that shows deadly appearing hair heat waves emanating from the nozzle of the blow drier under which we should place our hands and dry them by making brisk hand shaking/wringing motions. Of course, the fancier toilet blow driers can be rotated UP to dry our wet hair. Who got their hair wet in the toilet and how high exactly were you aiming? Of course, this is nothing compared to the endless loop towel which is nothing short of a fabric-ated Petri dish. Why not just lick the edge of the toilet bowl while you’re at it.

 

 

Easy Jet

See, I got a cheap flight on EasyJet from the UK to Spain. The flight cost 99p. So I was thrilled to pieces, many shiny glittering pieces. Then, with the tax and landing fees, it came to about GBP20. On board, I wanted to buy a Twix, a sort of candy confection. That cost GBP2. So at last, I can actually say that eating inflight was literally twice as expensive as the flight itself. So I split the bar in two (it has a seam for this very purpose!) to equate things.

Some tips for maximizing your Twix fares:

• fly in mid-week
• fly early in the morning or late at night
• fly in low season (Spring or Autumn)
• make use of sales – they appear 3-5 weeks prior to departure
• do not fly during bank holidays
• do not book your ticket less than two weeks in advance
• they will charge you for every kilo over the limit and they have lower limits
• there is no in-flight entertainment. No. Frills.
• they use smaller airports (to reduce airport fees) but getting to city center more than equates things
• main carriers cut prices to compete so the advantage isn’t much, all things considered
• most cheap airlines are point to point so they do not sell connecting flights which means luggage pick up and transfer
• they all have excellent outstanding safety records
• check out deals from legacy carriers trying to match them up
• EasyJet has hubs in Gatwick, Stansted and Luton (Londontown), Geneva, Paris (CDG and Orly), Berlin, DOrtmund, Liverpool, Bristol and smaller UK airports. They serve 45 other airports in Europe and Morocco with over 180 routes.
• Ryanair has hubs in Shannon, Dublin, Glasgow (Prestwick), Liverpool, Stansted and Luton (Londontown), Brussels (Charleroi), Frankfurt (Hagn), Stockholm (Skavsta), Milan (BErgamo), Roma and Barcelona. They add more practically  monthly. They serve 82 Euro destinations and Morroco.

Aqua Virgo

During construction of a new underground garage in Roma, the aqueduct supplying the Trevi Fountain (where all your tossed denarii and euro go) was damaged. To preclude the specter of the fontana running dry, water from another aqueduct has been diverted. Aqua Virgo is thought to be more than 2000 years old and dates to the era of Emperor Augustus. It will be about two months before water flows through it again but the old aqueduct will never be the same again. You can repair history but you cannot reconstruct it, said a press release from the Department of Historic Plumbing Follies. Remember you can be stopped by the polizei for wading into the fountain unless you look like Anita Ekberg and are cavorting for Fellini, or both. This April, a tourist known only as Roberta, swam in the nude for a bit. She was hauled away unceremoniously. Water pressure is occasionally slowed down to permit regathering of the approximately 3000 euros worth coins which are submitted to charity that runs a supermercato for the poor and needy in Roma. Flow shoul dbe restored in two months.

Footballers’ Wive$

Footballers’ Wive$: shameless addiction or all-too-convenient replacement for actual human contact? Next Oprah.

I watch little telly but the crap I watch scares the crap out of others. When I’m bored, I flip to the Travel Channel. When I’m hungry, I watch the Food Network (also the safest choice to let the kids watch unsupervised). But my true guilty pleasures are “Footballers’ Wive$” and “Dancing with the Stars” this year. This is unusual in the extreme because I think I have only had one per year every year. Thankfully, they are never on at the same time so I get to watch one show a week during the year. Why do I enjoy Footballers’ Wive$? Where else:

• would a lead character named Chardonnay (stop right there) kill a person with a bottle of champagne (natch and not to be confused with her dying of anorexia after she raises her mother-in-law’s hermaphrodite baby – from the killed person’s loins - as her own)?
• Amber (from Bromley!) went to a witch doctor to put a hex on Tanya Turner, resident evil, who screwed her husband to death (not to be confused with Amber’s pet turning up in the curry)? 
• style means a faux Warhol portrait of maneater Hazel, Conrad’s giant dildo, Frank’s zebra print wall paper and Noah going into a gay sex club clearly and helpfully labeled “Hot Gay XXX Club for Sex” (not to be confused with Kyle throwing out his mother for the nth time as Tanya holds her fag at a precarious 37 degree angle)
• Harley and his wife leave their wedding in a hot air balloon that lands in a safari park where a lion rips out her implants (not to be confused with Chardonnay’s mammoplasty catching fire and melting)?
• Amber would fake her own kidnapping to bilk her hubby of a million quid while her rival tans her kid with lotion (not to be confused with said rival’s sun tan lotion being replaced with sulfuric acid)?

The Church of England forbids its parishioners from watching this drivel. Sweet. Would you rather watch the real life plotline of a vicar who habitually invited rent boys to dinner and resume cocaine use after pudding, with some amusing plate-smashing and other fun filled activities while his wife went to bed? What are other guilty telly pleasures through the years I wondered?

1970: Wonderful World of Disney

1971: All in The Family

1972: Star Trek

1973: Gilligan’s Island

1974: Danger Island (google it)

1975: Are You Being Served?

1976: Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em

1977: Fawlty Towers

1978: Three’s Company

1979: Gilligan’s Island

1980: To The Manor Born

1981: Love Boat (huge error in judgment)

1982: Yes, Minister

1983: Three’s Company (metastasis)

1984: Yes, Minister

1985: Yes, Minister

1986: Cosby Show

1987: Cosby Show

1988: Yes, Prime Minister

1989: Who’s The Boss

1990: Seinfeld

1991: Murphy Brown

1992: Absolutely Fabulous

1993: Drop the Dead Donkey

1994: As Time Goes By

1995: Friends

1996: Keeping Up Appearances

1997: Melrose Place

1998: Mad About You

1999: Doctor Who

2000: Will and Grace

2001: The Apprentice

2002: Coupling

2003: Nip/Tuck

2004: Lost

2005: MI-5

2006: Footballers’ Wive$

2007: Dancing with the Stars

Feel free to psychoanalyze the obvious regression.

Together Again

Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin’ back at me
Dancin’ in moonlight
I know you are free
Cuz’ I can see your star
Shinin’ down on me

Sopranos Finale

Spoiler Alert

Tony LiveBlog

1955: Prediction list printed. Strawberries rinsed and chopped. Warm creme. Champagne. Warm blanket. No life. Go. 

2000: Marvin Hamlisch plays piano on the rooftop. The cast of the revived A Chorus Line high kicks it outside  Radio City Music Hall. Wondering where all the homeless are. Champagne jumpsuits in endless reflections. We’re inside.

2005: Hostless again. Angela Lansbury flubs intros. Old age happens. But don’t worry – plenty of Hugh Jackman looking plain silly. And are those the lips of Melanie Griffiths screaming? Viva Laughlin is to the Tonys what Transformers was to the MTV Movie Awards.

2010: Doogie Howser (who was good in Assassins) and a fatty Christina Applegate (who was horrid in Sweet Charity) award Billy Crudup (who is pretty terrific and has messy hair). You should immediately rent “Stage Beauty”.

2015: The clavicles of Vanessa Williams and the prescription glasses of Robert Sean Leonard present Spring Awakening’s Featured Actor Award to Mr Gallagher Jr. Sweep alert for the weird musical mixing German schoolkids and weird hair with dodgy pop Duncan Sheikh music. I would say it is the new Rent.

2026: Cast of Curtains performs. I haven’t gotten tickets yet but I know since David Hyde Pierce timed his being gay announcement last week, he’ll win.

2034: Idina Menzel’s giant jaw is still married to Taye Diggs. Why? Spring Awakening gets their third award.

2037: Anika Noni Rose, who was a Dream Girl, wears pearls. Empire waists are probably back in but so few look fetching in them. I take out the rubbish. Mary Louise Wilson takes her award for Grey Gardens wearing Wonder Woman bangles.

2040: Phylicia Rashad floats up in a tie dye tent and lobe-wrapping ear rings. She pronounces it one hundred “tin” degrees in the shade.

2052: Bill T Jones is very happy to win for choreography and does a merry jig. Which he doubtless choreographed himself. I was hoping Matthew Bourne would win. Bebe Neuwirth has altogether too much hair product but looks less mannish.

2054: Claire Danes looks rather cross. Reminder to self: she stole Billy Crudup, now Tony Winner, from his pregnant wife. Why do I know this? Jennifer Ehle wins in an elegant outfit.

2105: Mary Poppins is completely covered head to toe in clothes. Chimney sweeps do their things. I miss penguins. I miss Julie Andrews. 12.3 million tickets were sold this year – a record! Not bad.

2110: Cynthia Nixon is now a blonde lesbian, volte face from her Sex and the City character, who was my favorite of them all. She helps Coast of Utopia catch up, now tied 3-3 with Spring Awakening.

2115: Eddie Izzard – I am so delighted to hear him speak. They keep rhyming Izzard with lizard – I wish he’d correct them. After all, he’s from Europe, where the history comes from. The jokes don’t fly.

2120: Jay Johnson- The Two and Only wins. I am in shock. Can you still win for a dummy in your show? No, don’t answer that.

2123: A semi gigantic and very faux chandelier faux falls on boring people replaced by Jane Krakowski and an indelicately aging John Mahoney. Meh. Oh, they are cursing out words. Will they let Spring Awakening perform a song unedited? Tonight on Oprah.

2125: Marg Helgenberger presents. I miss Hugh Jackman but not so much. They are trying to get the crowd to watch. Spring Awakening scores for Direction/Musical

2132: Patti Lupone reminds us she was in Sweeney Todd. Nobody cares, miss. She introduces Raul Esparza who belts away. Really reallyloudly. You can see his veins pop. He is totally going to lose to Mr. Pierce. I shall be quite cross but it is destiny by press release timing. Look (and listen) for yourself. Raul Esparza sings “Being Alive”

2140: Marcia Gay Harden is attacked by giant black beads and an open neck white shirt. It is so blinding that her copresenter Judd Hirsch immediately commences to wear sunglasses at night.

2145: Transamerica Felicity Huffman wears prescription glasses and a gold pinkie ring. Journey’s End wins Play/Revival

2148: Tommy Tune is fiercely tall, indelicately aging and sings from my favorite musical “Will Rogers Follies”. When will they film the movie of it?

2155: Brian Dennehy has indelicately aged and presents with the luminous Audra McDonald (from Fresno!) who is wearing kilograms of fake hair. She changed outfits serially. Julie White is shocked she won and has the best speech and a summery dress. The lady can sell it.

2208: Jersey Boys cast performs. They are so ten minutes ago. Toilet break.

2210: Technical awards recap. Time to brush my teeth. Oh, but I do care.

2217: Play/Actor goes to Frank Langella. Presented by Anne Heche (found lost and dumped by aliens near Fresno – connections never end – I used to slavishly recap awards shows for P in Fresno who I hope reads this in the morning time)

2222: Christine Ebersol (Grey Gardens) performs. Very nicely done as perhaps the only reason to see that play which in itself is based on a depressing 1970s documentary.

2233: Play goes to Coast of Utopia. I wish they didn’t give awards to plays no longer in production. Especially if they are metaphorical, too long and rather tedious. But you can’t see it any more so there.

2230: Spring Awakening performs. Weird hair, hands over mouth, bleeped out words, much foot stomping and jumping about. I am wiped out just watching them. Sales will go up tomorrow morning.

2240: Jane Alexander introduces Fantasia. I am so spectacularly bored and underwhelmed. I have read three magazines and had coffee ice cream with cinnamon flaked in. This is terrible.

2245: Bernadette Peters is tiny. Harvey Feirstein’s real gravelly voice tells us he wishes he had a nickel for every actor he gave it to – the crowd roars because most of them get it. And some of them got it. Mr Hyde Pierce wins Actor/Musical. I am quite cross.

2250: Actress/musical to Ebersole. Introduced by random godson/godfather couple Usher/Ben Vereen. The Cavaliers are playing so we’re so glad you could make it here, says the godfather. The gays have no idea who the Cavaliers are. Usher doesn’t really care one way or the other. His nose is quite bulbous but that is just plain mean because he has killer abs. Which I cannot see.

2256: Best Musical to Spring Awakening. An indelicately aged and rather pudgy Tom Hulce (“I used to be Amadeus”) talks. Lansbury closes. Done in time. I’m off to bed. Early man tomorrow.

Week in Wine

Complex spicy food is impossible to match with fair to middling wines. Obviously beer is best to pair with layers of chile heat and spice magic. Obviously I don’t drink beer. My people use 10 critical spices (mustard seeds, cardamom, turmeric, cumin, black pepper, mace/nutmeg, ginger, bay leaves, cloves and cinnamon). Cayenne is not typically Indian. Thus there are five sauce/spice groups:

1. simple spice: not more than three spices as seasoning
2. light sauce: lighter dishes with dried peas, beans and legumes (lentil, garbanzo)
3. heavy sauce: also called curries are usually cream based
4. tandoori: marinated items, usually meats, roasted in a clay oven
5. fresh and green: fresh greens or herbs as primaries, like saag paneer

Remember this is for home-based cooking. Restaurants in the US cooking Indian food use monstrous amounts of spices, oil and salt. And I have diarrhea. Small Indian bistros near Marble Arch cook much better Indian food outside of India than anywhere in the US. Believe me, my colon knows what evil lurks in the kitchen of men.

Some safe bets:

• aromatic red wines work best (without dark fruit flavor)
• less use of oak avoids clashes with complex flavor
• when woody coriander is used, try an oaky Rioja
• cab sauv is an absolute no-no
• for whites, less oak is better so rieslings work better than dry
• go with less than 14% alcohol (though I favor 14.3% pinot noirs a bit)
• match less complex wines with more complex dishes
• cream and yoghurt clash – they flatten red flavors and clash with tart whites
• syrah is a top choice with little oak
• roses from cab franc are versatile and go well with a lot of south Asian food

Some suggestions. YMMV
2006 Cave de Saumur Saumur Lieu-dit Les Pouches ($9)

2005 Cantina Valle Isarco Alto Adige Eisacktaler Kerner ($16)    

2005 Garlider Sudtirol Eisacktaler Alto Adige Muller-Thurgau ($20)  

2004 Dorigo Colli Orientali del Friuli Ribolla Gialla ($20)  

2006 Chateau Mas Neuf Costieres de Nimes Tradition Blanc ($11) 

2006 Epiphany Camp Four Vineyard Santa Barbara County Grenache Blanc ($23)  2006 Domaine de Beausejour Chinon Rosé ($13) 

2005 Catherine & Pierre Breton Bourgeuil Trinch! ($15)  

2003 Domaine des Tours Vin de Pays de Vaucluse ($13) 

2005 Jaffurs Santa Barbara County Grenache ($28)  

2005 Cantina Produttori Bolzano Alto Adige Santa Maddalena Classico ($15)  

2004 Heinrich Burgenland Zweigelt ($17) 

Eiffel Pretty

If you have the opportunistic timing of a trailer park ovary, get your tickets in advance and come to the Tour Eiffel at the week end. Some tips.

• Yes, it’s that pretty both from outside and from within.
• Perhaps the best view of Paris from above. There are three floors to visitors. The 1st and 2nd etages are accessible by elevators or stairs. You will break into a sweat in the hot summer months. Now imagine that and a bunch of overseas tourists. Enough said.
• The third floor elevator starts at the second floor.
• Altitude 95 on the 1ere etage is an average restaurant by French standards but the view is good and the price (about 50 E) is affordable. The Jules Verne takes advance booking and is easily E200 per person.
• Set aside two hours to get atop especially in summer. There are a few misters to keep you moist. No fans. No air-conditioning.
• The south entrance (for ticket lines) is shorter.
• Metro: Bir-Hakeim, Torcadero, Ecole Militaire, RER-C Champ de Mars-Tour Eiffel
• It is open every day 0900 to 0000 June 16 through September 2; 0930 -2300 September 3 through June 15
• Entrance costs E11 for the top
• It is about 1000 feet and takes in 6.5 million vists annually.
• After sunset, there are splashy lights on the hour every hour. Best time to go.

Mobile Donna

Elephants, Yeah!

Other Montalcino

Enjoyed a bit of sun at the Bay this morning. Lunch was simplicity in perfection. Little scoops of burrata on toast points with a little sprinkle of Hawaiian sea salt, and a side of Rosso di Muntalcino as I caught up with journals still suffocated in their plastic wrappers. Gulls wanted my burrata but I would not let them. I had a bit of espresso at I Prefereti di Boriana which had a swimmingly good cream atop. You should go there immediately. They have a shop in Montepulciano and one in the Ferry Building. The local store serves espresso drinks (!) and bombolloni stuffed with custard in the morning time.

Burrata (It., “butter”) has to be made fresh and consumed at point of origin. It is an Italian soft cheese with an outer solid shell of mozzarella, and an inner gooey core of mozzarella and cream. Once packaged only in asphodel (leek) leaves, it should be wrapped in a plastic sheet, sometimes printed with a leaves pattern on the outside. The point of original being the Cowgirl Creamery, it came in the usual plastic bucket with an expiry date. That would be… today. The leaves indicate the freshness – as long as they are green, the cheese is fresh and ready to ooze to you. Water buffalo milk is richer and higher in protein than cow milk so mozzarella di bufala is pure white (in Italy, the legal name for cow mozzarella is fior di latte but Stateside a lot of vendors sell cow mozzarella without declaration – in fact, nearly all mozzarella you can buy here is bovine). Burrata originated in Murgia (in Apulia) around 1920 on the Binachini farm in the town of Andria (two thirds of the route from heel to spur). I suspect it was a way to use the ritagli (scraps, rags) of mozzarella. It is only recently that it has been seen (and tasted) outside of its native Apulia. Rennet is used to curdle warm milk but, unlike other cheeses, fresh mozzarella curds are plunged into hot whey or lightly salted water, kneaded and pulled to develop the stretchy strings or pasta filata. The hot cheese is formed into a pouch, then filled with scrapes of leftover mozzarella and topped off w ith fresh cream (panna caldo) before closing, then wrapped in asphodel and tied to form a little brioche-esque top knot and moistened with a little whey. Or dunked into a polyethylene bag. When yous lice it open, its ritagli thickened panna flows out. Eat within 24 (and certainly 48) hours. It is always served pure with salad, prosciutto crudo or hard crusty bread as a side dish. I like it with roast points with fresh tomato, olive oil and cracked bell pepper, perhaps because it is easier to stuff that in my backpack on BART. You could toss it on drained penne or spaghetti, but it does not refrigerate well. Which is not the real problem here.

I’ve never been able to tell Brunello di Montalcino from Sangiovese. Brunello is grotesquely over priced but The Other Montalcino is not exactly a throwaway (between $20- $40 per bottle, retail), yet a third as pricey as a typical estate’s Brunello. Brunello producers make loads of Rosso and its overproduction doesnt go into the main estate wine. You must know the Biondi Santi Syndrome. This was the leading property of the Brunello zone. It asked for and received a price 5 to 10 times that asked for standard issue Chianti Classico Riserva. To justify this, it had to distance itself gustatorially. Now we all know that both Brunello and Chianti come from the same baby – sangiovese. There is no difference. But. Unlike Brunello, the Rosso di Montalcino is made without excessive oak aging (this is by law for Brunello), are less brutally tannic and have luxurious fruit. They are the best Bordeaux, Burgundy and Californian Cab in one. While Chianti is delicate and floral, Rosso is prfound and lets the fruit feast for your senses.

Passport Photo

Some countries have different requirements for size. The US requires photos to be of size 2″x2″. Most countries including the EU, UK and Oz require the standard 3.5 cm x 4.5 cm photos. The important thing is that the photo should permit border inspectors to recognize you when they look at your passport:

• include a full face, front view and open eyes
• present a full view from top of hairs to shoulders
• take the photo in a plain white of off white background
• avoid shadows on the face or background
• face should have a natural expression (i.e., a closed mouth)
• photos should not include sunglasses or hats
• contrast and lighting in the photo should be normal (i.e., neutral)
• no glamor shot photos (i.e., do not look like a realtor auditioning for “A Chorus Line”)
• no artistic PhotoShop post-processing
• no immediately after plastic surgery in-the-recovery-room shots
• photo should be reasonably current, i.e., if you no longer sport facial hair, your photo should not either

It is easiest to have them quickly taken at a neighborhood FedEx Kinko’s. Find one close to you.

Female Art

Hat tip to P.

Movie Awards

2007 MTV Music Awards

1703: Sarah Silverman on racism in Spiderman 3. Cut to Samuel L Jackson. Sweet

1706: Sarah Silverman’s potty mouth jokes about Paris Hilton in jail. Paris is not amused.

1709: Vegas style dancers and old people bleeped out.

1710: Cast of Fantastic Four. Chris Evans looking hot.

1711: Jack Nicholson says he doesn’t give a fuck. Then thanks the troops. Why does he win.

1724: Gerard Butler and his great Scottish accent wins Best Fight for 300. 300 is how gay the movie is on a score of 1 to 10.

1726: Sarah shares a lesbian kiss with Jessica Biel

1727: Dane Cook wears a tight cowboy shirt.

1733: Victoria Beckham cannot move in her painted on zebra outfit. She says something to introduce Rihanna who does her umbrella song looking like a dominatrix extra from Showgirls.

1736: Eva Mendes pretends to care. Andy Samberg looks like he just got up and doesn’t even pretend.

1739: Borat and Will Ferrel get best kiss award. Lip lock that lasts too long.

1750: Billy Crystalesque montage of Sarah in recent movies and, of course, Transformers because every transition reminds you of Transformers. The movie will flop.

1757: The spawn of Will Smith on a home video. Gag me now.

1758: Dane Cook. 14 minutes, 33 seconds almost up.

1800: Fibuless Orbit Gum Chick gives the dirty mouth award

1828: United 300 wins best spoof

1830: Amy Winehouse and her hair and eyeliner come and sing.

1838: Seth Rogen talks about his schlubby Jew sperm. Oy vay!

1839: Award for Best Movie you haven’t seen. Transformers.

1845: Sarah in a weird school girl dress

1846: Cast of Transformers present best performance award

1848: Actual preview for Transformers. How can you tell?

1849: Johnny Depp wears flannel pajama something over his jeans. Do these people not have friends?

1857: Cameron Diaz gave an award to Mike Myers wearing (she, not he) a micro mini dress. Very nice.

1900: Show ends. Nice.

Google StreetView

If Google Street View you Google Street View live Google Street View in Google Street View the Google Street View city, perhaps Google Street View Google Street View Google Street View vans Google Street View took Google Street View a Google Street View photo Google Street View of Google Street View your Google Street View street Google Street View front Google Street View , home Google Street View or Google Street View (gasp) Google Street View you Google Street View sunning Google Street View yourself Google Street View. In Google Street View what Google Street View is Google Street View tantamount Google Street View to Google Street View a Google Street View gross Google Street View violation Google Street View of Google Street View privacy Google Street View , Google Street View check Google Street View out Google Street View the Google Street View more Google Street View amusing Google Street View Street View submissions. I Google Street View like Google Street View the Google Street View one Google Street View that Google Street View show’s Google Street View Steve Jobs Mercedes license plate – oh Google Street View wait Google Street View , he Google Street View has Google Street View none Google Street View. Google Street View – it is everywhere you don’t want it to be.

Tony Predictions

Best Play

• Coast of Utopia
• Frost/Nixon (winning prediction/s bolded)
• The Little Dog Laughed
• Radio Golf

Best Musical

• Curtains
• Grey Gardens
• Mary Poppins
• Spring Awakening
  

Best Book of a Musical

• Curtains
• Grey Gardens
• Legally Blonde the Musical
• Spring Awakening

Best Original Score

• Curtains
• Grey Gardens
• Legally Blonde the Musical
• Spring Awakening

Best Revival Play

• Inherit the Wind
• Journey’s End
• Talk Radio
• Translations

Best Revival Musical

• Apple Tree
• A Chorus Line
• Company
• 110 in the Shade

Best Theatrical Event

• Jay Johnson
• Kiki and Herb Alive

Best Lead Perf (Male, Drama)

• Boyd Gaines
• Frank Langella
• Brian F O’Byrne
• Christopher Plummer
• Lieve Schreiber

Best Performance (Female, Drama)

• Eve Best
• Swoosie Kurtz
• Angela Lansbury
• Vanessa Redgrave
• Julie White

Best Performance (Male, Musical)

• Michael Cerveris
• Raul Esparza
• Jonathan Groff
• Gavin Lee
• David Hyde Pierce (I changed my prediction after he decided he was gay =  as opportunistically optimistic as a trailer park ovary)

Best Performance (Female, Musical)

• Laura Bell Bundy
• Christine Ebersole
• Audra McDonald
• Debra Monk
• Donna Murphy

Featured Male, Drama

• Anthony Chisholm
• Billy Crudup
• Ethan Hawke
• John Earl Jelks
• Stark Sands

Featured Female, Drama

• Jennifer Ehle
• Xanthe Elbrick
• Dana Ivey
• Jan Maxwell
• Martha Plimpton

Featured Male, Musical

• Brooks Ashmanskas
• Christian Borle
• John Collum
• John Gallagher, Jr
• David Pittu

Featured Female, Musical

• Charlotte D’Amboise
• Rebecca Luker
• Orfeh
• Mary Louise Wilson
• Karen Ziemba

Best Direction, Drama

• Frost/Nixon
• Journey’s End
• The Coast of Utopia
• Coram Boy

Best Direction, Musical

• Company
• Curtains
• Grey Gardens
• Spring Awakening

Best Choreography

• Curtains
• Mary Poppins
• Spring Awakening
• Legally Blonde the Musical

Best Orchestrations

• Grey Gardens
• Spring Awakening
• LoveMusik
• 110 in the Shade

Best Scenic Design, Drama

• The Coast of Utopia
• Journey’s End
• Radio Golf
• Coram Boy

Best Scenic Design, Musical

• Mary Poppins
• Spring Awakening
• High Fidelity
• Grey Gardens

Best Costume Design, Play

• Coram Boy
• Heartbreak House
• Inherit the Wind
• The Coast of Utopia

Best Costume Design, Musical

• Legally Blonde the Musical
• Mary Poppins
• Spring Awakening
• Grey Gardens

Best Lighting Design, Drama

• Coram Boy
• Inherit the Wind
• The Coast of Utopia
• Journey’s End

Best Lighting Design, Musical

• Spring Awakening
• 110 in the Shade
• Mary Poppins
• Grey Gardens

Faludeh Kulfi

Also known as falooda, this is similar to the Iranian drink faloodeh and Thai drink nam manglak, which is made from basil seeds mixed with sugar, water and rose water. The Iraqi kurdish version is made with thicker vermicelli. The South Asian refreshment drink is made by mixing milk, vermicelli, hydrated basil seeds (sabja, takmaria), tutti frutti and sugar along with ice cream. Vermicelli used is often made from arrow root rather than wheat. The most popular flavors are rose, saffron, mango and chocolate fig. In North India and Pakistan, this is available in hotels and beach stalls. Falooda and kulfi are often served with rose syrup. Milk is used to enhance the drink. Tutti frutti is a confection, usually ice cream, containing many chopped and candied fruits.