Joan Collins

 

I have been preternaturally been fascinated by Joan Collins oeuvre since childhood. All that was abruptly cured by seeing her in the flesh, and a whole lot of flesh there was, on stage in Legends! Now playing at the newly restored absolutely ravishing LaSalle Bank Theater (18 W Monroe; 312.902-1400; $20-$75; HOT TIX $28) which used to be the Shubert Theater and thus confused me thoroughly in finding its location. Recipe for failure: take two feuding movie queens (has-beens), a producer desperate to reunite them (slapdash and slapstick attempts), a sassy black maid (there is a joke about cotton picking which made me cringe, visibly), a pec flexing black Chippendale dancer who lets it all hang out (a lot of all), a barrage of unfunny jokes (high school musical anyone?), creaky showbiz anecdotes, wigs, and a tray of hashish brownies and you have Kirkwood’s awful comedy which has not been updated since its 1986 debut (for Carol Channing and Marlo Thomas). Joan Collins is jowly and amazingly chubby. Her outfits look ridiculous and show off her rolls of fat, except at curtain call when a fire engine red numbers makes her oranges swim in pudding (get the picture, snap) while lovely Linda Evenstad is stiff as a board, and I speak not merely of an overdose of Botulinum toxin type A. Half of the audience left before or during intermission. My excuse is I was to have drinks at ENO immediately after the show so I stayed. And wondered how ever I could have adored Joan Collins in the first place.

Singapore Gratis

Time to return to Singapore. What is there to do you ask? I can think of twenty things off hand -

• Art galleries in MITA building
• Shop along glitzy Orchard road or 24 hour Mustafa center in Little India
• Tai chi with locals at Singapore Botanical Gardens or concert at garden’s Symphony Lake
• Fridays 1900-2100 at Singapore Museums (history, art or asian civilization)
• Thian Hock Keng in Telok Ayer street, Sri Mariamman temple in Chinatown, Sultan Mosque in Arab Street
• Big Splash water theme park in East Coast Park. Watch toned bodies at Mahalo BEach Bar
• Free lunch performance at Esplanade – Theaters on the Bay
• Lichensteins at Millenia walk, UOB plaza’s Botero and Dali, OCBC Building’s Henry Moore
• Stroll along the River. Empress Palace. Fullerton Hotel
• Watch cricket and rugby at varsity level. NUS museum.
• Live dance at Youth Park. Parkour!
• Climb up Bukit Timah. Trek through MacRItichie Reservoir or Labrador Park
• War heroes: CHangi museum, Johore battery, Kranji war memorial
• Chinatown and Little India for street food
• Mount Faber (take the camera)
• Free city tour from airport at night
• Shop knockoffs
• Toa Payoh or Yishun to see how locals live
• Merlion.
• Suntec City’s fountain of wealth. Raffles hotel doorman

Chicago Theater

Betrayal is Harold Pinter’s 1978 dated drama about an extramarital affair in reverse chronology with supertitles indicating the year of the event tabled. There were lovely cocktails and h d’o before the show and a hearty discussion with limited viewers after, hosted by the delightful David New, new Associate Artistic director of the Steppenwolf. Mr. New’s tie was far more exciting than the dull lifeless play with transition music sounding like the soundtrack of a night film on Lifetime, television for women and depressed gay men. Show runs through May 27. HOT TIX for half price.

Academy Blog

We have pizza. We have champagne. In fact, we have too much champagne. The night is young. The show has just begun. The AmEx ad is very confusing to me.

2028: Andre Leon Tulley is quite fat.

2030: Clips of normal people. How cool the techies are. Peter O’Toole has not aged well. Is it too late to replace the Veuve with orange juice? Everyone agrees there is too much fat in OJ so we let it be. We are having Baked Lays.

2035: Someone congratulates all of the nominees. Ellen appears and starts babbling. Some find this funny. Abigail Breslin is so cute. Mr. Will Smith’s smug child has many names.

2040: Ellen is wearing a wine red crushed velvet tux. She looks like a magician. From the 70s. I see Chicago’s Jennifer Hudson. The viewing crowd whoops it up. Nobody actually knows her but we pretend to care. She has ditched the hideous metallic envelope she arrived in. In other news, Peter O’Toole is still alive. Ellen talks about blacks, gays and Jews. For clarity, the camera pans to blacks, gays and, oh please, Jews. They could just have shown Whoopi Goldberg. Meanwhile, Ellen cannot believe she is hosting the Oscars. We cannot believe this either. Bye bye Ellen. She tells people to make things up. Somebody throws Ellen a tamborine. Ellen camera drives to a very bloated Mr. Di Caprio. I like the Jennifer Hudson/AI and Al Gore/Election joke.

2047: Pan’s Labyrinth wins. I have not even seen this film and it looks quite odd. Mutually gorgeous people Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman (with a very tight face and a giant alive red creature that has started eating her left shoulder) are presenting for something. We wish Mister Craig wore that blue swimsuit.

2048: Ms. Maggie Gyllenhaal looks faux excited to announce the techie awards. For the brumagic densitometer. Are they allowed to make up words? Must. Google. This.

2055: Will Ferrell is singing. With Joe Black and Mister Cellophane. Ill advised. They threaten Mr. O’Toole. Who is still alive.

2103: That Sunshine kid and the Happyness kid present awards. The winners are very happy. An award goes to a movie about falafel singers. I need to have a falafel before I return home. There are no good falafels in the Bay. Mr. Ari Sandel is hot, the viewing crowd agrees that he must be gay. Or does not know it yet.

2104: Ellens says Ms. Penelope Cruz was from Mexico. She is Spanish. Ooh, tacos will fly.

2108: Many chips and dips are arriving. I am a little sleepy. There is a weird sound effects choir. After 5 seconds, it is boring. Maybe I have ADHD.

2110: Ellen apologizes to the countries of Mexico and Spain. We should send her to the Middle East. Preferably immediately. Ellen is nervous.

2112: I have still no clue how to tell sound mixing from sound editing. Various people in the room indicate the red salsa dip is better than the salsa verde. These are leftovers from last night. Nobody has a clue about the sound mixing/editing thing either.

2118: Every time they say “dream” or “girls”, they cut to Jennifer Hudson. The viewing crowd is practically whooping it up. Maybe we should make it a drinking game. In Chicago, we need very little excuse for a drinking game, cf. the Melrose Place Drinking Game that I devised in Powerpoint circa early 90s. The shame.

2119: James McAvoy and his Scotch accent, and Jessica Biel and her pink lip stick, all announce some award for Dream Girls. More drinking ensues. We are in a stupor. And tremendously bored.

2125: Rachel Weisz is still fetching. Why Alan Arkin won is a mystery – his character was rude and had very colorful language. There was very little sunshiny about the role for me. Penguins by the shadow people. Okay, cute. Ellen is joking with Marky Mark. I don’t care if he is nominated, he is still Marky Mark in those Calvins for me.

2135: Nobody is caring about the dancers making shapes of things. Nobody is caring about Rangy Newman. Nobody is caring about Melissa Etheridge’s  PSA song.  This is good to go pee. More champagne has miraculously appeared. Now there are little nibbly bits. Some latecomers have brought in yummy hummus and pita chips.

2140: Has Mr. Gore been expanding as we speak? Mr. Di Caprio is also bloating up. It is all very Titanic I guess. I am feeling guilty about all the food we will not be using as Hollywood tells us how green their valley is. Faux announcement drowned out by music but the piece dragged on for too long.

2144: Happy Feet won for animation. I just saw it in flight and I did not care for it. What were my choices? Oh yes, Cars. Not so much.

2145: Ms Cameron Diaz does not act ditsy. She clearly is and her outfit places her at high aerodynamic risk for being swept away. Mr. Ben Affleck is alive.

2152: Ms Helen Mirren announces the entire Borat title. We inexplicably crack up. I have to see this film with B & S because I just know the DVD will be packed with extras.

2155: The Departed wins for Adapted Screenplay. How I hated the adaptation. Basically, it’s plagiarism. Geographical error alert: “Infernal Affairs” is said to be from China. It is not, it is from Hong Kong, which is an SAR. Picky picky. Mr. Jack Nicholson – and we thought they would ignore him all night. But he is bald so how could they? Such an attention whore.

2204: Marie Antoinette – I have not seen so many nominated films. It is just that Ms. Kirsten Dunst has such awkward teeth. Geographical error alert: Cate Blanchett is announced to be from the UK. She’s Ozzie.

2210: We love Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt, plus Ms. Meryl Streep does a good fauc icy glare. Mr. Tom Cruise invokes a skeleton. L wonders how much BoTox she has had. L administers BoTox for cash so he should know. Maybe she actually has a BoTox for Food exchange program.

2210: Ms Gwyneth Paltrow looks limpid. Ellen has a funny bit. I almost forgot she was hosting.

2230: Mr. Robert Downey Jr makes a drug joke about himself. I have fallen asleep intermittently. Apparently, I missed when Ms Jennifer Hudson won her award. Great, I have to make jokes about her at tomorrow’s presentation. I will have to raid the generic joke box. I am counting on her having thanked God and her grandmother. Wouldn’t those be the usual? Unless her grandmother abused her. Just saying. [Addendum: I am informed she thanked God twice. Yay me]

2246: Al Gore wins and everyone is sucking up to him. He has in the interval put on some more pounds. What are they feeding them in the stands? Meanwhile, M texts me that Al Gore’s 20 room 8 bathroom mansion in the posh Belle Meade area in Nashville consumes more electricity every month (221,000 kWh per year) than the average American household (10,656 kWh) in an entire year, as per the Nashville Electric Service. I want to see his gas bill, which must be outrageous. And we’re back to reality. Or Hollywood. It is a blur. I think I drank two bottles of bubbly on my own so it is time to fill the recycling bin.

2250: Mr. Gael Garcia Bernal is onstage with sticky hair. Suddenly the movie about AIDS in China wins. This is the year of the Pig so there will be a record number of babies in hospitals in China. One of my gays informs me that if you are gay, you cannot adopt a Chinese baby this year. How do they know you’re gay in China. Do they ask you “What do you think of Jennifer Hudson?” and then if you gasp and go “OMG, I totally like love Jennifer Hudson” then you don’t get your Chinese baby? I don’t know. I also do not know why Mr. Jerry Seinfeld is presenting an award. He is so ten minutes ago and I just do not find him funny.

2250: Mr. Clint Eastwood presents Mr. Ennio Morricone with the lifetime achievement award. This usually means, said awardee’s wife needs to open a policy pronto. OMG it is that bitch Celine Dion. Why is she here and what is she saying in her quasi French warble tones? Sing Titanic, bitch. Ennio is now speaking Italian. Forever. Mr. Eastwood is totally making things up. I can tell. Oh, and Mr. Quincy Jones raided Zhang Ziyi’s garage sale last weekend. There can be no other explanation.

2311: The new president of AMPAS tells us all in sixty seconds. I kind of liked that part. Then the Sunshine film wins an award. Suddenly, I think I might be a bit drunk and head to brew some Double Egert’s coffee.

2320: Hugh Jackman not so attractive any more. I last saw him in Scoop on an airplane, apparently the only place to see such a lame film. Babel won some award. It is on my Netflix queue. Those magic dancing shadow people are still doing stuff and they just made a shoe. People are leaving the party. We are not having too much fun this year.

2332: Somebody fixed JLo’s hair. Ms. Beyonce emerges from the stage (literally) and belts one out. Dream girls medley. Ms. Jennifer Hudson (having been introduced as Oscar winner, I am now sure I fell asleep during one segment – someone says I was snoring even) has put on a few pounds since we started. Someone brings out the cheese course and little chocolate truffles. A very toxic looking Mr. John Travolta gives Ms. Etheridge her award. The room is making gratuitous lezzie jokes. That is okay because the room is 90% gay.

2335: Mr. Will Smith introduces a random Micahel Mann clip job. I have no idea what this is supposed to signify. Everyone rushes to the toilet.

2350: Ms. Kate Winslet is lovely. She won’t win anything but I did run into her outside a lovely bookshop near Marble Arch. And she was lovely then as well. Mr. Jack Nicholson is mugging for the camera. Why do they show him always? It is so predictable. We think he is bald in support of Britney Spears but nobody knows. Ms. Jodie Foster introduces the Dead People Clip Show. Robert Altman got the longest applause. They forgot fat Chris Penn.

0002: Mr. Philip Seymour Hoffman needs a comb. There is a picture of Dame Judi Dench drowning in a sea of turquoise. Of course, Ms. Helen Mirren wins. She is onstage with a purse that fits Oscars and small pets. She makes no sense whatsoever and calls the Oscar the Queen. Perhaps she is a bit sloshed. I think she is a smug thing. Chris Connelly is talking. Still. He asks who will win stuff as a disembodied hand dusts an Oscar groin. W wonder if the truffles are spiked. It is quite odd. Mr. Tom Hanks pretends to still be funny. He has lost the weird hair. Ellen is vacuuming the front row. She had a good bit with Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Eastwood then apparently snuck away for some Pinkberry.

0013: Ms. Witherspoon gives Mr. Whitaker an award. What is with his left eye? I think Bell’s palsy but I am really not so sure. Mr. Will Smith is crying. I like how they always pan to black people when someone black wins. We see voiceover woman and announcer man. I much better like Movie Trailer man’s voice. People are leaving the party. It is quite the flop. Of course, it is snowing without and everyone has real jobs. I microwave the stuffed spinach pizza but the mood is all wrong by now.

0020: Mr. Jack Nicholson comes on stage. I immediately take my toilet break. I do not need to see this man. Ellen says good night. I say good night. They are showing recap clips of Jack Black. That was six days ago. I have to get up early in the morning and teach people. This is stupid.

Open Bottle

The following outstanding wines were poured at the 8th Annual Open That Bottle Night:

• M brought the Silver Oak 1993 Cabernet Sauvignon (Alexander Valley) which was the king of wines and easily the favorite. This was full bodied, rich and oaky.
• K and E brought a Hafner 2000 Cabernet Sauvignon (Alexander Valley). I found this to be heavy and aromatic.
• C and S brought the Pinot Noir made famous by the film “Sideways”: Hartley Istini 2004 Hitching Post St. Rita’s Earth (Santa Barbara). While C called it tannic, I thought it a touch caffeinated. Smoky even.
• W and D brought a magnum (so much cooking wine for me) of Grand Vin de Leoville St Julia. We were all intimidated by pouring out of a magnum as per usual.
• W and M brought a surprising Silver Lake 1995 Merlot (Columbia Valley). This matched well with many of the cheeses for an out of state wine.
• C and J brought a posh St Bernardus 1998 Merlot (Carmel Valley). They had two other wines that did not hold up well but their new wine room is a works in progress.
• M and D arrived late but made up for it with a pleasant Belvedere 2000 Cabernet Sauvignon (Healdsburg). M can bring Welch’s and I will think it pleasant. She has carte blanche at my parties.
• I contributed with a Duas Quintas 2000 Vinho Tinto (Portugal) simply because I did not quite know what to make of it and the syllabus was in Portuguese! I was grossly disappointed. It is SO a Tuesday night wine.

It was interesting to note that everyone favored California wines unless you believed in magna or Portugal.

The following cheeses were selected to pair with the wines:

• Tallegio: Sicilia
• Double Gloucester Cotswold: UK
• Kerry Gold Dubliner: Ireland
• Reblochon de Savoy: France
• Danish Bleu: Denmark
• Manchego Viejo: Spain
• Humboldt Fog: California
• Fontinesa: Piemonte

Prickly Pear

 This is not a common ingredient in most kitchens and my favorite chef finally discussed this with me. We picked up a whole lot of fresh produce at Windmill. It reopens Valentine’s day for the remainder of the year through Christmas.

Being a cactus fruit, it is quite a bit of work for not a lot of juice but most delicious for cocktails or vinaigrette. Nothing else tastes like it so I won’t attempt to describe it. Safeway has small lots at very high prices. When picking one, go for something soft to the touch (like a nearly ripe avocado or peach) but not massively bruised. Handle with gloves unless you are familiar as the fine needles sting.

Cut off the ends, then make a slit down the length.Peel it apart. Think of it as the earth with a crust, mantle and core like [(0)]. The crust and mantle peel easily off the core, leaving you with the seed, o. Cut the core up and mash through a fine sieve or food processor. Get out all those inedible seeds. You are left with the bright pink juice.

The juice is refreshing with a splash of tequila, makes lemonade alive and mixed with light red wine vinegar and pumpkin oil  makes for lovely salad dressing.

Theatre Londontown

Musical

AVENUE Q

Noël Coward Theatre (formerly Albery)

Music and lyrics by Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx , Book by Jeff Whitty

(from 1 Jun 06 to 26 Jan 08)

BILLY ELLIOT : THE MUSICAL

Victoria Palace

Book & Lyrics by Lee Hall , Music by Elton John

(from 31 Mar 05 to 20 Oct 07)

BLOOD BROTHERS

Phoenix

by Willy Russell

(from 21 Nov 91 to 1 Sep 07)

BLUE MAN GROUP

New London

by Matt Goldman, Phil Stanton and Chris Wink

(from 10 Nov 05 to 21 Oct 07)

BOYFRIEND, THE

Open Air, Regent’s Park

by Sandy Wilson

(from 28 Aug 07 to 15 Sep 07)

CABARET

Lyric

Book by Joe Matseroff, music by John Kander and lyrics by Fred Ebb, was based on John van Druten’s play I am a Camera which in turn took its inspiration from Christopher Isherwood’s Berlin stories

(from 23 Sep 06 to 29 Sep 07)

CARMEN JONES

Royal Festival Hall

by Oscar Hammerstein II, with music by Georges Bizet

(from 25 Jul 07 to 2 Sep 07)

CHICAGO

Cambridge Theatre

Based on the play by Maurine Dallas Watkins, has a book by Fred Ebb and Bob Fosse, music by John Kander, lyrics by Fred Ebb

(from 28 Apr 06 to 6 Oct 07)

DANCING IN THE STREETS

Playhouse

Compiled by Keith Strachan

(from 1 Aug 06 to 15 Sep 07)

DIRTY DANCING – The Classic Story on Stage

Aldwych

by Eleanor Bergstein

(from 29 Sep 06 to 22 Mar 08)

DROWSY CHAPERONE

Novello (formerly the Strand)

Music by Lisa Lambert and Greg Morrison and book by Bob Martin and Don McKellar

(from 14 May 07 to 23 Feb 08)

EVITA

Adelphi

by Andrew Lloyd Webber & Tim Rice

(from 2 Jun 06 to 15 Dec 07)

GERSHWINS’ PORGY AND BESS

Savoy Theatre

Music by George Gershwin, lyrics by DuBose Heyward & Ira Gershwin and a book by Dubose Heyward, based on ‘Porgy’ by Dubose Heyward and Dorothy Heyward. Music adapted by Gareth Valentine.

(from 25 Oct 06 to 27 Oct 07)

GREG LONDON – THE ICONS IN LONDON

Venue

by Greg London

(from 9 Jan 07 to 24 Feb 07)

GUYS AND DOLLS

Piccadilly

Music and lyrics by Frank Loesser, book by Jo Swerling and Abe Burrows

(from 19 May 05 to 14 Apr 07)

KISMET

Coliseum

by Robert Wright & George Forrest, Based on themes of Alexander Borodin and the play by Edward Knoblock, the book is by Charles Lederer & Luther Davies.

(from 25 Jun 07 to 14 Jul 07)

LADY BE GOOD

Open Air, Regent’s Park

Music by George Gershwin, Lyrics by Ira Gershwin, Book by Guy Bolton & Fred Thompson

(from 17 Jul 07 to 25 Aug 07)

LES MISERABLES

Queen’s

Based on the novel by Victor Hugo, has lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer and music by Claude-Michel Schonberg with original text by Alain Boublil and additional material by James Fenton.

(from 3 Apr 04 to 15 Dec 07)

LION KING

Lyceum

Book by Roger Allers and Irene Mecchi, Songs by Elton John and Tim Rice . Additional songs by Lebo M, Julie Taymor, Mark Mancina, Hans Zimmer.

(from 24 Sep 99 to 7 Oct 07)

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS

Duke of York’s

Book and Lyrics by Howard Ashman, Music by Alan Menken

(from 6 Mar 07 to 2 Jun 07)

LORD OF THE RINGS

Drury Lane, Theatre Royal

Stage adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic trilogy. Book and lyrics by Shaun McKenna & Matthew Warchus and music by A.R. Rahman & Varttina with Christopher Nightingale.

(from 9 May 07 to 12 Jan 08)

MAMMA MIA

Prince Of Wales

Music & Lyrics by Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus. Book by Catherine Johnson. And some songs by Stig Anderson.

(from 3 Jun 04 to 28 Jun 08)

MARY POPPINS

Prince Edward

Based on the stories by P.L. Travers and the 1964 Walt Disney film with music and lyrics by Richard M Sherman and Robert B Sherman; Additional new songs, music and lyrics by George Stiles and Anthony Drewe; Book by Julian Fellowes

(from 6 Dec 2004 to 29 Sep 07)

Monty Python’s SPAMALOT

Palace

book by Eric Idle, from the screenplay of the Pythons’ film, Monty Python and the Holy Grail by Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin. Featuring a new score with music and lyrics by Eric Idle and John Du Prez, SPAMALOT also has three songs from the 1975 film

(from 30 Sep 06 to 21 Jul 07)

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

Her Majesty’s

Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber Lyrics by Charles Hart , based on Gaston Leroux’s gothic novel

(from 9 Oct 86 to 15 Dec 07)

SOUND OF MUSIC

London Palladium

Music by Richard Rodgers, lyric Oscar Hammerstein II, Book by Howard Lindsay & Russel Crouse, suggested by ‘The Trapp Family Singers’ by Maria Augusta Trapp

(from 3 Nov 06 to 13 Oct 07)

STOMP

Vaudeville

created by Luke Cresswell and Steve McNicholas

(from 24 Sep 02 to 14 Oct 07)

UNKNOWN KURT WEILL

Young Vic (Main House)

(from 25 Mar 07 to 25 Mar 07)

WE WILL ROCK YOU ( Queen Musical )

Dominion

Musical with songs by Queen and book by Ben Elton

(from 26 Apr 02 to 6 Oct 07)

WICKED – The Untold Story of the Witches of Oz.

Apollo Victoria

Based on the novel by Gregory Maguire. Music and lyrics by Stephen Schwartz, book by Winnie Holzman

(from 7 Sep 06 to 29 Mar 08)

Drama

ATTEMPTS ON HER LIFE

Lyttelton, National Theatre

by Martin Crimp

(from 8 Mar 07 to 10 May 07)

BIG WHITE FOG

Almeida (Off West End)

by Theodore Ward

(from 11 May 07 to 30 Jun 07)

CAUCASIAN CHALK CIRCLE

Cottesloe, National Theatre

by Bertolt Brecht, in a version by Frank McGuinness

(from 7 Mar 07 to 14 Apr 07)

CORAM BOY

Olivier, National Theatre

adapted by Helen Edmundson, from a novel by Jamila Gavin

(from 29 Nov 06 to 24 Feb 07)

ELEPHANT MAN

Trafalgar Studios 2 (formerly Whitehall Theatre)

By Bernard Pomerance

(from 4 Apr 07 to 5 May 07)

ENCHANTMENT , THE

Cottesloe, National Theatre

by Victoria Benedictsson, in a new version by Clare Bayley

(from Jun 07 to )

ENTERTAINER, THE

Old Vic

by John Osborne

(from 23 Feb 07 to 19 May 07)

EQUUS

Gielgud

by Peter Shaffer

(from 16 Feb 07 to 9 Jun 07)

FANTASTIC MR FOX

Open Air, Regent’s Park

Roald Dahl, adapted for the stage by David Wood

(from 31 Jul 07 to 25 Aug 07)

FIVE WIVES OF MAURICE PINDER, THE

Cottesloe, National Theatre

by Matt Charman

(from Jun 07 to )

GENERATIONS

Young Vic (The Maria)

by Debbie Tucker Green

(from 22 Feb 07 to 10 Mar 07)

GLASS MENAGERIE, THE

Apollo

by Tennessee Williams

(from 31 Jan 07 to 19 May 07)

HAPPY DAYS

Lyttelton, National Theatre

by Samuel Beckett

(from 18 Jan 07 to 1 Mar 07)

HOLDING FIRE!

Shakespeare’s Globe

by Jack Shepherd

(from 28 Jul 07 to 5 Oct 07)

HOTHOUSE, THE

Lyttelton, National Theatre

by Harold Pinter

(from Jul 07 to )

IN EXTREMIS

Shakespeare’s Globe

by Howard Brenton

(from 15 May 07 to 26 May 07)

JOHN GABRIEL BORKMAN

Donmar Warehouse

by Henrik Ibsen, in a new version by David Eldridge

(from 15 Feb 07 to 14 Apr 07)

KEAN

Apollo

By Jean Paul Sartre, adapted from the play by Alexandre Dumas, in a translation by Frank Hauser

(from 24 May 07 to 18 Aug 07)

KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN

Donmar Warehouse

by Manuel Puig, in a translation by Allan Baker

(from 19 Apr 07 to 26 May 07)

LADY FROM DUBUQUE, THE

Haymarket

by Edward Albee

(from 3 Mar 07 to 9 Jun 07)

LANDSCAPE WITH WEAPON

Cottesloe, National Theatre

by Joe Penhall

(from 29 Mar 07 to 7 Jun 07)

LOVELY AND MISFIT – Mister Paradise, Summer at the Lake, And Tell Sad Stories of the Deaths of Queens

Trafalgar Studios 2 (formerly Whitehall Theatre)

Three ‘undiscovered’ short plays by Tennessee Williams

(from 6 Mar 07 to 31 Mar 07)

MACBETH

Open Air, Regent’s Park

By William Shakespeare

(from 28 May 07 to 16 Aug 07)

MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH

Olivier, National Theatre

based on the film by Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger, adapted by Tom Morris and Emma Rice

(from 3 May 07 to 21 Jun 07)

MERCHANT OF VENICE, THE

Shakespeare’s Globe

by William Shakespeare

(from 2 Jun 07 to 6 Oct 07)

MOUSETRAP, THE

St Martin’s

by Agatha Christie

(from 26 Mar 74 to 3 Nov 07)

OTHELLO

Shakespeare’s Globe

By William Shakespeare

(from 4 May 07 to 19 Aug 07)

PRESENT LAUGHTER

Lyttelton, National Theatre

by Noel Coward

(from Oct 07 to )

PROOF

Arts Theatre

By David Auburn

(from 19 Feb 07 to 17 Mar 07)

RAFTA, RAFTA.

Lyttelton, National Theatre

by Ayub Khan-Din, based on All in Good Time by Bill Naughton

(from 18 Apr 07 to 23 Jun 07)

REPORTER, THE

Cottesloe, National Theatre

by Nicholas Wright

(from 14 Feb 07 to 2 Jun 07)

RESPECTABLE WEDDING / THE JEWISH WIFE (Double Bill)

Young Vic (The Maria / The Clare)

by Bertolt Brecht: Translation by Rory Bremner / Translation by Martin Crimp

(from 29 Mar 07 to 14 Apr 07)

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

Duke of York’s

by Tom Stoppard

(from 22 Jul 06 to 25 Feb 07)

ROSE TATTOO, THE

Olivier, National Theatre

by Tennessee Williams

(from 19 Mar 07 to 23 Jun 07)

SAINT JOAN

Olivier, National Theatre

by Bernard Shaw

(from Jul 07 to )

SENORA CARRAR’S RIFLES / HOW MUCH IS YOUR IRON? (Double Bill)

Young Vic (The Maria / The Clare)

by Bertolt Brecht: Translation by Biyi Bandele / Translation by Enda Walsh

(from 20 Apr 07 to 5 May 07)

SIZWE BANZI IS DEAD

Lyttelton, National Theatre

by Athol Fugard, John Kani and Winston Ntshona

(from 19 Mar 07 to 4 Apr 07)

TEMPEST

Novello (formerly the Strand)

by William Shakespeare

(from 22 Feb 07 to 24 Mar 07)

TERRE HAUTE

Trafalgar Studios 2 (formerly Whitehall Theatre)

By Edmund White

(from 8 May 07 to 2 Jun 07)

THE WOMEN OF TROY

Lyttelton, National Theatre

by Euripides

(from Nov 07 to )

THERE CAME A GYPSY RIDING

Almeida (Off West End)

by Frank McGuinness

(from 11 Jan 07 to 3 Mar 07)

THERESE RAQUIN

Lyttelton, National Theatre

by Emile Zola, adapted by Nicholas Wright

(from 4 Nov 06 to 21 Feb 07)

TREATS

Garrick

By Christopher Hampton

(from 20 Feb 07 to 26 May 07)

TWO MEN TALKING

Trafalgar Studios 2 (formerly Whitehall Theatre)

by Paul Browde and Murray Nossel

(from 5 Jun 07 to 23 Jun 07)

UNDERNEATH THE LINTEL

Duchess

by Glen Berger

(from 7 Feb 07 to 14 Apr 07)

VERNON GOD LITTLE

Young Vic (Main House)

by DBC Pierre, adapted by Tanya Ronder

(from 27 Apr 07 to 9 Jun 07)

WAR HORSE

Olivier, National Theatre

based on a novel by Michael Morpurgo, adapted by Nick Stafford

(from 8 Oct 07 to 27 Oct 07)

WE, THE PEOPLE

Shakespeare’s Globe

by Eric Schlosser

(from 2 Sep 07 to 5 Oct 07)

WOMAN IN BLACK, THE

Fortune

by Stephen Mallatratt from the novel by Susan Hill

(from 7 Jun 89 to 1 Sep 07)

Comedy

39 STEPS, THE

Criterion

by John Buchan, adapted by Patrick Barlow. From an original concept by Simon Corble and Nobby Dimon

(from 14 Sep 06 to 15 Sep 07)

BOEING BOEING

Comedy

by Marc Camoletti, translated by Beverley Cross

(from 3 Feb 07 to 28 Apr 07)

DUMB WAITER

Trafalgar Studios 1 (formerly Whitehall Theatre)

By Harold Pinter

(from 2 Feb 07 to 24 Mar 07)

DYING FOR IT

Almeida (Off West End)

Moira Buffini’s new free adaptation of Nikolai Erdman’s satirical comedy The Suicide

(from 8 Mar 07 to 28 Apr 07)

HISTORY BOYS

Wyndham’s

by Alan Bennett

(from 21 Dec 06 to 14 Apr 07)

LIZZIE ROPER IN PECCADILLO CIRCUS

Trafalgar Studios 2 (formerly Whitehall Theatre)

(from 14 Feb 07 to 3 Mar 07)

LOVE’S LABOUR’S LOST

Shakespeare’s Globe

by William Shakespeare

(from 1 Jul 07 to 7 Oct 07)

MAN OF MODE, THE

Olivier, National Theatre

by George Etherege

(from 29 Jan 07 to 19 Apr 07)

MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM

Open Air, Regent’s Park

By William Shakespeare

(from 30 May 07 to 18 Aug 07)

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

Olivier, National Theatre

by William Shakespeare

(from Dec 07 to )

PHILISTINES

Lyttelton, National Theatre

by Maxim Gorky, in a new version by Andrew Upton

(from 23 May 07 to 20 Jun 07)

PINTER’S PEOPLE – Sketches, Monologues and Two-Handers 1958 – 2002

Haymarket

(from 30 Jan 07 to 23 Feb 07)

SOLDIER’S FORTUNE

Young Vic (Main House)

by Thomas Otway

(from 15 Feb 07 to 31 Mar 07)

WHIPPING IT UP

New Ambassadors

by Steve Thompson

(from 22 Feb 07 to 16 Jun 07)

Business Confessions

If you study Madonna’s career, you can learn a lot more than how to dance or reinvent yourself every few years. (Sidebar: if you study Madonna’s career, you’re gay). You can also learn a great deal about business strategy. ESMT Senior Lecturer Jamie Anderson has developed the case study “Madonna – Strategy in Action” as an introductory session to MBA or executive education courses addressing the topic of business strategy.

The case clearly distinguishes strategy from planning. Strategy is not a specific plan or set of detailed instructions but rather a guiding theme that provides coherence and focus to the actions and decisions of an individual or an organization. This case explores the theme of strategy by examining the career of the world’s highest earning female entertainer and one of the best-known women on the planet. The case identifies the contribution that strategy can make to successful performance, both for individuals and for organizations. The authors found business leaders irrespective of industry could benefit from Madge’s lead in the following areas:

1. Develop a long-term mission and vision. A clear commitment to her goal to be a superstar is her single minded pursuit, other dimensions of her life have been subordinated or absorbed. Instead of waiting for industry trens, she acts to shape the world around her.
2. Gain a profound understanding of consumers and the industry environment. For continuous success you need to sustain popular appeal.
3. Leverage strengths and address weaknesses. Develop and project your image to exploit emerging trends while protecting areas of weakness. Her obvious weakness (she cannot sing, please don’t argue – that would be folly) is more than compensated by an extensive network of support personnel, including musicians, technologists, producers, dancers and designers.
4. Consistent implementation. Built organizations and networks which will effectively marshall resources and capabilities.
5. Continuous renewal.

Now you know why she is considered such a role model. I thought it was the infectious dance rhythms and meaningless easily memorizable (not memorable) lyric. Of course, I never went to business school.

Oscar Picks

Here’s your ballot for the awards night. I highlight my predictions. Predictions are not necessarily the best of each lot, but the ones most likely to take home a statue. That is how you play the game, B. As usual, if you use the below to make your office pool, do remember to send a portion to your annual charity.

Best Picture

Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

Best Actor

Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O’Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Best Actress

Penélope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

Best Supporting Actor

Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

Best Supporting Actress

Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

Best Director

Clint Eastwood, Letters From Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Babel
Paul Greengrass, United 93
Martin Scorsese, The Departed

Best Adapted Screenplay

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Children of Men
The Departed
Little Children
Notes on a Scandal

Best Original Screenplay

Babel
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
Pan’s Labyrinth
The Queen

Best Animated Film

Cars
Happy Feet
Monster House

Best Art Direction

Dreamgirls
The Good Shepherd
Pan’s Labyrinth
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
The Prestige

Best Cinematography

The Black Dahlia
Children of Men
The Illusionist
Pan’s Labyrinth
The Prestige

Best Costume Design

Curse of the Golden Flower
The Devil Wears Prada
Dreamgirls
Marie Antoinette
The Queen

Best Documentary Feature

Deliver Us From Evil
An Inconvenient Truth
Iraq In Fragments
Jesus Camp
My Country, My Country

Best Documentary Short

The Blood of Yingzhou District
Recycled Life
Rehearsing a Dream
Two Hands

Best Film Editing

Babel
Blood Diamond
Children of Men
The Departed
United 93

Best Foreign Language Film

After the Wedding, Denmark
Days of Glory (Indigènes), Algeria
The Lives of Others, Germany
Pan’s Labyrinth, Mexico
Water, Canada

Best Makeup

Apocalypto
Click
Pan’s Labyrinth

Best Original Score

Babel
The Good German
Notes on a Scandal
Pan’s Labyrinth
The Queen

Best Original Song

”I Need to Wake Up,” from An Inconvenient Truth
”Listen,” from Dreamgirls
”Love You I Do,” from Dreamgirls
”Our Town,” from Cars
”Patience,” from Dreamgirls

Best Short, Animated

The Danish Poet
Lifted
The Little Matchgirl
Maestro
No Time for Nuts

Best Short, Live Action

Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)
Eramos Pocos (One Too Many)
Helmer & Son
The Saviour
West Bank Story

Best Sound Editing

Apocalypto
Blood Diamond
Flags of Our Fathers
Letters From Iwo Jima
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Best Sound Mixing

Apocalypto
Blood Diamond
Dreamgirls
Flags of Our Fathers
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Best Visual Effects

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Poseidon
Superman Returns

Mobile Overseas

A mobile phone overseas, while handy, is expensive and you would be wise to assess your perceived actual need for it such as being in contact with an ailing parent or for emergency purposes when on remote islands in the South Pacific, both actual scenarios. If you take long drives in the Highlands, hike the lesser Alps or sail off Mykonos, then again it is wise to have an overseas enabled phone. For lesser reasons, such as booking tables for dinner, letting a friend know you missed the DLR or making theater reservations, you could get away with buying a local phone card or using the hotel’s ridiculously expensive phone, as applicable. If you are on a budget and your trip is shorter than a week or will encompass multiple countries, the cost of an overseas mobile is not worth it. Phone cards are easily bought in Europe or central Asia. If you want to pay more for the convenience of ringing from wherever you are, an overseas mobile is for you.

Does your US mobile work overseas? If you have a satellite world phone, it will work anywhere. If your phone works in Europe (such as a GSM enabled world phone), you should take it. Otherwise, buy one in Londontown. Now, here is where we are absolute rubbish. The standard mobile phone network in the Rest of the World is GSM (Global System for Mobile communications). Only T-Mobile and AT&T (formerly Cingular) use the same GSM technology as in Europe. Sprint and Verizon Wireless use CDMA (Code Division Multiple Access) that is historic and incompatible outside of the US. CDMA is the 8-track tape and I marvel at peasants who use this system. Within the GSM network, different regions use different bands (the US uses two and the EU uses two others) so a GSM phone that is tri-band or quad-band is required to use at home and overseas. The identity of a GSM mobile (phone number and account information) is stored on a removable finger nail size chip or SIM (Subscriber Identity Module) card without which your phone will not work. Some phones are electronically locked so you must stay loyal to your service provider as you cannot switch SIM cards. You can, on request, per legal policy, request your service provider to unlock the phone on most newer phones so that you can switch into different SIM cards for different countries as you travel overseas.

If you travel outside your mobile phone’s home area, you are “roaming” and if this is overseas, roaming charges are monstrous. Europeans routinely switch SIM cards as they cross borders. Pop out the battery and pull out the chip.

Texting (sending an SMS) is finally becoming more popular here and is cheaper than making a call, about 10 eurocents to send, nothing to receive, and up to 50 eurocents when roaming outside the SIM card’s country. Japanese school girls have been texting for eons.

Determine if your phone will work in Europe (it should be a tri band or quad band) by asking your service provider. If so, you might have an international plan which costs about $2 per minute to make/receive overseas calls with no added roaming fee assessed. If the rates are high or you plan on making a lot of calls, ask your mobile-phone provider to “unlock” your phone. If Verizon won’t to give you the unlock code, you can usually buy one for about $20 at www.unlocktelecom.co.uk or www.thetravelinsider.com. Once your phone is unlocked, you can buy and change SIM cards as you travel. Rather than using your American number, you’ll have a European number and pay cheaper European rates. 

If your American phone does not work overseas, rather than rent a phone or buy a pre-owned one, buy one. They cost about $75 and do not come with expensive two-year contracts. Each has its own SIM card, credit and prepaid calling minutes which you can top off as you need. Make sure it is unlocked (as most) so you can switch out SIM cards. Each European country has various service providers, each selling their own SIM cards and so the costs are pretty much the same but every once in a while they have sales. Vodafone. SIM cards cost between $5 and $40, and come with a European number and credit; domestic calls cost 20 eurocents per minute, incoming calls are free (if you’re in the same country as SIM purchase) and calls to other countries are about $1/minute. Check the following items when you buy a European SIM card:

1. Cost per minute for domestic and overseas calls, and SMS
2. Calling plans with per minute costs.
3. PIN or code numbers and how to obtain them when switching out SIM cards.
4. How to obtain tally of remaining credit and how to get more credit when in the same or different country from SIM card purchase country.

Before leaving the salesman, go through the motions of switchng the SIM and actually make a call to him and then to another country to check it out. They will credit these trial calls. Trust. Regardless of the phone, as you cross borders, you get text messages welcoming you to the new country’s network and explaining their services.

Incoming calls to European mobiles cost you nothing but the caller pays more to reach a European mobile than a land line. If you roam outside the country of SIM card purchase, you will pay for incoming calls. Store your phone numbers in the phone (with a + so you don’t have to dial country codes) and not on the SIM card or you will lose access when you switch SIM cards.

All this being said, for occasional callers, urine infused phone booths are still the cheapest way to go and they are ubiquitous, especially in Londontown. However, you should carry Purell with you when entering these devilish boxes. You can also pick up phone cards in local countries and make cheap calls. Newer technologies such as Skype or GoogleTalk (computer to computer) or Vonage (VoIP) using landlines via computer networks work well only if you have high level connectivity. Skype can connect to landlines for a nominal charge (about $0.00001 per minute) but the sound quality is scratchy and there are dropped call issues that arise. Remember it is challenging to make a call with your laptop, headset mic and laptop speakers if you are in a bateau outside the Tour Eiffel, and you might consider investing in a NetGear Skype Phone for this for WiFi enabled volumes, such as the entire Financial district in Londontown. Skype calls between computers are free.

Music Box

Taking a cue from the human genome project, Pandora can customize a radio station for you.

Top Chef

The Country’s Best Restaurants. Make a list. Check it off.

1. Alinea – Chicago, IL
2. Chez Panisse – Berkeley, CA
3. The French Laundry/Per Se – Yountville, CA; New York, NY
4. Spago – Beverly Hills, CA
5. Joël Robuchon at the Mansion – Las Vegas, NV

6. La Rêve – San Antonio, TX
7. Masa – New York, NY
8. Alan Wong’s Restaurant – Honolulu, HI
9. Daniel – New York, NY
10. Le Bernardin – New York, NY
11. Magnolia Grill – Durham, NC
12. Michel Richard Citronelle – Washington, D.C.
13. Charlie Trotter’s – Chicago, IL
14. Arrows – Ogunquit, ME
15. Cyrus – Healdsburg, CA
16. Striped Bass – Philadelphia, PA
17. Babbo – New York, NY
18. Locke-Ober – Boston, MA
19. Canlis – Seattle, WA
20. L’Auberge Carmel – Carmel, CA
21. Bartolotta Ristorante di Mare – Las Vegas, NV
22. Restaurant August – New Orleans, LA
23. The Inn at Little Washington – Washington, VA
24. The Dining Room in the Ritz-Carlton Buckhead – Atlanta, GA
25. Vetri – Philadelphia, PA
26. Fore Street – Portland, ME
27. Jean Georges – New York, NY
28. Higgins – Portland, OR
29. Da Marco – Houston, TX
30. La Belle Vie – Minneapolis, MN
31. Parker’s New American Bistro – Cleveland, OH
32. Michy’s – Miami, FL
33. Frasca – Boulder, CO
34. Gramercy Tavern – New York, NY
35. Providence – Los Angeles, CA
36. Restaurant Guy Savoy – Las Vegas, NV
37. Zuni Café – San Francisco, CA
38. Urasawa – Beverly Hills, CA
39. Bacchanalia – Atlata, GA
40. Sanford – Milwaukee, WI
41. York Street – Dallas, TX
42. Manresa – Los Gatos, CA
43. No. 9 Park – Boston, MA
44. Trattoria Nostrani – Santa Fe, NM
45. Cafe Juanita – Kirkland, WA
46. Paley’s Place – Portland, OR
47. Lantern Restaurant – Chapel Hill, NC
48. L’Etoile – Madison, WI
49. Herbsaint – New Orleans, LA
50. Nana – Dallas, TX

I like to cook by numbers.

Twenty Four

Each season of “24,” which has been airing on Fox since 2001, depicts a single, panic-laced day in which Jack Bauer—a heroic C.T.U. agent, played by Kiefer Sutherland—must unravel and undermine a conspiracy that imperils the nation. Terrorists are poised to set off nuclear bombs or bioweapons, or in some other way annihilate entire cities. The twisting story line forces Bauer and his colleagues to make a series of grim choices that pit liberty against security. Frequently, the dilemma is stark: a resistant suspect can either be accorded due process—allowing a terrorist plot to proceed—or be tortured in pursuit of a lead. Bauer invariably chooses coercion. With unnerving efficiency, suspects are beaten, suffocated, electrocuted, drugged, assaulted with knives, or more exotically abused; almost without fail, these suspects divulge critical secrets.

Mistaken Identity

The bank rings to indicate somebody bought $5000 worth of grocery from Kroger’s. There is no Kroger’s on the West Coast and you shop at the farmer’s market on Saturday mornings. What do you do? First you take some tea and power up the computer. Then you take some definitive steps:

1. Ring one of three major credit reporting agencies (Equifax, Experian, TransUnion) to place a fraud alert on your credit report. Ringing one alerts the other two. This alert precludes thieves from opening new accounts under your name.

2. If a new account has been opened in your name, contact each creditor and notify of the fraudulent activity. They will close the accounts and you have to fill out a fraud affidavit.

3. For accounts you opened that are now compromised, contact the creditor and inform of stolen identity. The account will be closed and you will be read through the most recent charges to help determine how long the abuse has been going on.

4. Contact your local police station. A detective is assigned who will ask for details such as where the charges occurred, how much was spent, and how the identity was stolen (internet? wallet lost?) Write down and file away the detective’s number and case number assigned. Many fraud affidavits ask for this information. Also the detective could be cute. Theoretical.

5. File a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) at 1-877-IDTHEFT

6. Change all of your online passwords immediately and think of a completely different word for each of your accounts. While it is inconvenient to type a password each time you log in, never save your password online or on your PC

7. If you lost your entire wallet or believe that someone is using your driver’s license, visit the DMV online site in your State and get a new driver’s license number and card even if you just renewed your license.

8. Keep records. Write down the name of the individual you spoke with, their employer, date and time, and a summary ofyour discussion. Keep all this in paper copy form in a central accessible location.

* Equifax, P.O. Box 740241, Atlanta, GA 30374-0241, 888-766-0008

* Experian, P.O. Box 9532, Allen, TX 75013, 888-397-3742

* Trans Union, P.O. Box 6790, Fullerton, CA, 92834, 800-680-7289

Boots Legging

Boots is Britain’s biggest pharmacy chain. Think Walgreens meets Duane Reade. Now multiply fervently. Today, it starts selling Viagra over the counter at most stores to commemorate National Impotence Day. It costs roughly $97 for four (4) pills, provided no red flags are raised during dispensation (diabetes, heart conditions) but the onus is on you to tell. Available to men only, you will need to undergo a one-hour consultation with a pharmacist, who will take your medical history and check your blood pressure, cholesterol and glucose levels.

Under the plan, men age 30-65 who want the impotence-fighting drug will have a one-hour consultation with a pharmacist, who will take their medical history and check blood pressure, cholesterol and glucose levels.  Happy Valentine’s Day to you.

As for me, I shall be found at the Olive Garden eating bread sticks tonight. Facetious. I hate bread sticks so I took R to Giardino (3400 Mt Diablo Blvd, Lafayette CA 94549). I should have stuck with any Olive Garden – this is possibly the worst meal in the world.

Why Single

Isn’t it terrific when your inbox has a mailer informing you why you’re single. Must share (with their suggestions):

1. Because you’re desperate. (Suggestion: Stop trying so hard and join a health club to work on your body instead. Network within your field and here are some names of lawyers’ associations to start. Reality: Wait four days to message someone back on the Friendster. Stop updating that profile every 29 minutes, you really do not bungee jump)
2. Because you are afraid of commitment (Suggestion: Go to events with an end time so you do not feel trapped. Reality: Go on dates.)
3. Because you love the sound of your own voice. (Suggestion: Go to quiet party. Take a class on interviewing techniques. Reality: Never talk about college)
4. Because you only speak in catchphrases (Suggestion: Stop watching telly. Reality: Watch Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency)
5. Because you only like people who don’t like you. (Suggestion: Embrace you masochistic side by getting flogged up or go to Cuddle Parties. Reality: Stop liking boys who don’t like you)
6. Because you work till all hours (Suggestion: Go to late night eateries and hit the 24 hour gym. Reality: Move to the main floor of the library)
7. Because you’re short. (Suggestion: Bulk up. Reality: Eat more PB&J. Be funnier)
8. Because you blog about everything (Suggestion: Go to a blogger reader series and meet fellow bloggers to find out really how blah they really really are. Or stop blogging. Reality: Oh come on now)

Fashion Week

Size Zero models in town for London Fashion Week have less excuses to offer for skipping a meal. Even though the skinny bitches willingly starve themselves for their careers to be a fashionable x-ray plate, Bumpkin in Notting Hill (tube: Ladbroke Grove) offers models with a Body Mass Index (BMI) of less than 18 the opportunity to chow downon fish pies, lamb burgers, king sized shrimp and scallops. BMI is a ratio f height to weight and Madrid has banned waifs with BMI less than 18.

Bumpkin is on 209 Westbourne in Notting Hill (020-7-243-9818) and is a three storey British country foodie delight where watching chefs prepare your chosen entrees in open kitchens is the new theater. Fine old world wines commingle with whiskeys from Scotland, Ireland and the US, managed by a whiskey sommelier. Wines run about 13 GBP (house) and lunch is about 15 GBP (dinner 40 GBP). The food is okay and not really as country as they claim but, with sides at 3 GBP each, you will easily end up paying 90 GBP per couple for lunch. Why not calculate your BMI immediately?

Popped Music

Twenty years back, I would wait up nights watching taped video recordings of the Grammy and Oscar awards. I actually believe they meant something.

2006 Oscar award for Best Song from a Motion Picture: “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp”
2007  Grammy award for Pop Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocal: “My Humps.”

I am officially old and no longer enjoy popular music.

Sole Mio

Photons striking the surface of coated slice of silicon (photovoltaic cell) cause the photoelectric effect of forcing electrons to break away from their orbits around certain atoms inside that silicon. Those free electrons wander on that surface until they are captured by small embedded wires and shuttled down from cell to cell and out the positive end of the module all of the cells are wired together to form. Wiring many nodules in series creates a modular array with a combined voltage (very high 500 volts DC) that is run down specially rated wire to the first of two disconnect siwtches (DC disconnect switch) that allows the entire area to be safely de-energized if works is needed. Wiring continues from the switch to the DC/AC converter that converts it to low voltage (120-240 V) AC power and syncs the output AC power in line with the power produced adn distributed over the utility’s electric grid. Here, ground wiring is connected from the frame ground of the array to the service ground of the grid. Normal wiring continues out the AC side of the inverter to the second disconnect switch (AC disconnect switch) which is mandated by PG&E to protect field personnel in case their grid loses power and needs works. Normal wiring continues the AC disconnect switch to my existing electric meter. If I am producing more electricity than I am using, the meter will actually spin backwards creating an electrical credit that I might draw upon in evening hours or on cloudy days.

Should you go solar? So you’re ready to stop buying your power from PG&E, and you have the means to buy thirty years of power up front. Where do you start?

1. Check your roof. South-facing without shade is ideal, but west- or even east-facing can work. A 15 to 30 percent pitch is considered ideal.
2. Pull out a year’s worth of PG&E bills and get an idea of your monthly electric use. If you want to zero out your bills, systems must be carefully sized; energy-saving methods such as switching to compact fluorescent bulbs and efficient appliances should be done first to save on the system size.
3. Find a local installer you can work with, since your system will last for decades. There are many types of systems, but they are priced competitively. The California Energy Commission maintains a list of vendors searchable by ZIP code. The Northern California Energy Association publishes an annual Solar Energy Resource Guide, which includes a list of members as well as questions to ask contractors.
4. How much will it cost?A medium-sized, three-kilowatt system runs about $26,000, but the combined state and federal rebates will drop the price to about $16,500. These rebates include:
   1. $2.80 per watt from the California Energy Commission, but the incentives may go down as early as August. By January, when the PUC’s California Solar Initiative kicks in, rebates will be $2.50 per watt.
   2. A federal 30 percent tax credit gets you another $2,000.
   3. PG&E charges $6 per month to plug you into the power grid. The meter is free, although most solar customers spring for a special time-of-use meter that costs $277 to install that lets you earn more credits for energy produced during peak demand — which happens to be when the sun is brightest. Since peak period rates are about twice as high off-peak, you can essentially earn two hours of off-peak electricity for every peak hour you generate. (Existing solar users get even higher benefits, but rates for new customers were changed in May.)

If you finance your system through a home mortgage, the increase in monthly payments may be less than your electric bill, and the interest may be tax-deductible.

Before doing groundwork, use the GoSolar Incentive site to determine preliminary work.

• Do not pay more than 10 per cent or $1000, whichever is less, as down payment
• Hire only licensed contractors and ask to see the license
• Do not hire the first contractor who comes along
• Do not rush into repairs, no matter how badly they’re needed
• Verify the contractor’s license at www.cslb.ca.gov or 1-800-321-2752
• Don’t pay cash, and don’t let the payments get ahead of the work
• Get three bids, check references, and get a written contract

Local PV cell installers -

• Nick Maggi Construction, 11842 Dublin blvd, DUB. 551-7435
• T&T Solar, 8452 Deervale road, DUB. 828-4411. ttsolar@earthlink.net
• Allied Solar, PO Box 1856, SRM. 759-0000
• Sky Power Systems, 5000 Exec Pky #375. SRM. 327-0980
• East Bay Solar Power, 1923 De Vaca Way, LIV. 443-3803
• Halus Power Systems, 25352 B Cypress Ave, HWD. 510-780-0591.
• Wencon Development, 108 Crest Ave, AMO. 935-7861
• Lamorinda Solar, 2717 N Main St, Ste A, WCK. 952-9239
• Solar Self Help Light Energy Systems, 965 D Detroit Ave, CCD. 650-4343
• Snow Solar Systems, 1930 Morello Ave, Pleasant Hill, CA 94523. 963-0059
• Next Energy Corp, 1110 Burnett Ave, Ste G, CCD. 798-0600 m
• Diablo Solar Services, 5021 Blum Rd, Unit 2B, MTZ. 313-0600

Cheesy Poof

It is the fear of deficiency that is rampant at my cellular level which prompts the purchase of ridiculous amounts of cheese for the wine tasting evenings. Inevitably, there is some left over (which is preferable to the alternative) and I make an effort to incorporate the remaindered dairy within the weekend following.

Rindless Cheeses (fresh Mozzarella, Chevre, Feta): 35°-39°F. If purchased in plastic container, cover tightly after opening. Wrap Chevre in foil or parchment paper and store in tightly sealed plastic container.

Other Rindless Cheeses (Muenster, Cheddar, Swiss): 40°F-45°F. Wrap in parchment or waxed paper, then in plastic wrap to retain moisture. Avoid direct exposure to plastic wrap.

Natural Rind Cheeses (Semi-hard and hard grating cheeses like Parmesan, Asiago, Aged Provolone): 40°F-45°F; after cutting, wrap tightly in plastic wrap to prevent moisture loss.

Washed Rind Cheeses (Gruyere, Italian-Style Fontina, Brick): 40°F-45°F; wrap in waxed or parchment paper, store in plastic container with a few holes for air circulation.

Bloomy Rind Cheeses (Brie, Camembert): 40-45°F; protect cut surfaces by covering with parchment paper, then wrapping in original wrapping, or in a sealed plastic container with a few holes for air circulation.

Blue-Veined Cheeses (Gorgonzola, Blue Cheese): 40°-45°F, wrap in aluminum foil, such as the cheese’s own packaging, after cutting.

Take Tea

Finally we have a Very Hot Water Dispenser at the workplace.  Importantly, B has inserviced me in how to use it without singing myself. So how does one make tea at home. Properly and gingerly, of course. Steps:

1. Preheat the teacups, teapot or tea pitcher by pouring hot water into them. The only thing precluding me from returning with tea cup warmers from Taipei is their elegance would be severely marred by the clunky transformer that would be necessitated.

2. Bring filtered or bottled water to desired temperature, usually between 155 and 210 degrees (below boiling). In general, early-picked, young tea leaves (white and green teas) are subtler and take lower temperatures. One easy method: Bring water to boil and allow it to cool for a minute or more. Some insist that bringing water to boil and letting it cool down to the target temperature takes the life out of the water; better to bring water temperature up and turn off before boiling. When water is ready, drain the vessels of preheating water.

3. Measure tea into warmed teapot or gaiwan (covered, single cup) — from 3 to 7 grams, about a rounded teaspoon, per person. Rinse the tea leaves by pouring water over them, wait for 5 to 15 seconds, and pour off the water. This cleans the leaves, removes bitter tannins and opens them up slightly. Pass the teapot around and inhale the fragrance, if you like. This works in the morningtime when I need to wake up. Slowly.

4. Pour water over the rinsed leaves and cover immediately. Brew from 1 to 2 minutes, depending on type of tea.

5. Pour tea from teapot or gaiwan into a serving pitcher and serve in warmed cups — 1-ounce gongfu cups or into a single 6-ounce cup. It is important to drain the tea after brewing so as to prevent leaves from soaking in hot water.

6. Repeat the process by pouring water over the drained leaves. A good tea, especially aged puer tea, can give 4 to 6, even 10 to 12 steeps, changing in character through each steeping, and creating an arc in your experience of the tea and its transformation.

7. If drinking tea alone, you may skip the rinsing step (No. 3) and the pitcher step (No. 5). You can drink out of a covered cup, or mug, all day, pouring hot water over the tea leaves throughout the day. I cannot thank R enough for her extremely copiously thoughtful gift of the transparent teapot and wrangler I received at Christmas. It gets so much use and is wonderfully easy to clean. 

Nowadays, tea costs a lot per pound. I need to get another mortgage. Most good loose-leaf and many artisanal, small-garden teas can be steeped up to six times; a really good one can steep 10 to 16 times. People who like lighter teas may use only 3 grams per brew, making it even cheaper. A cup or pot of tea in a teahouse or tearoom ranges from $3 to $7, and up. If the loose-leaf tea is top-notch, it can take six to 10 additions of water, providing you don’t let the tea soak in water for too long. Some tearooms charge per person, others by the pot. If you are doing the gongfu (also kungfu) service or ritual, where the six to 12 steepings of a good tea are shared by four to six people, the cost can come out to less than 10 cents a pot, even for a $200-per-pound tea.

Savile Roe

Caviar is processed salted fish roe (eff). True caviar comes from sturgeons only (Beluga, Oseraa and Sevruga). Sterlet is so rare that I do not expect to taste it in my life time. The largest remaning depsoit of sturgeon (endangered) is in the Caspian Sea, shared by Russian and Iranian producers, accounting for 85% of wild caviar today. If it says caviar, it means from sturgeon, otherwise the fish source must be designated, such as “salmon caviar”.

Good caviar is rated by its size and color, and the method of processing. Color is designated by 000 for light caviar, 00 for medium and 0 for dark. Very light or golden rose is called Imperial or Royal caviar. There are four caviar types or processing methods. Malossol (little salt) is fresh caviar with less than 5% salt. Modern caviar usually has 3.5%. Salted Caviar is semi preserved with up to 8% – it has a longer shelf life and a compromised taste. Pressed caviar is made from too soft, damaged, broken or overly ripe eggs that are treated, highly salted and pressed to jam like consistency – highly concentrated, this is favored among connoisseurs. Pasteurized caviar is heated and vacuum packed in glass jars for longer shelf lives. In Sweden, you can squeeze it out of a tube. Delicioso!

Beluga is the world’s most expensive caviar (nest to Sterlet) with large roe, pale gray color and a smooth buttery flavor. Fewer than 100 sturgeon are caught annually. Osetra is medium sized eggs from dark gray to golden brown, quite nutty and I like it. Sevruga produces the smallest, cheapest light gray intense caviar. Also I can afford its intense flavor. The US used to produce 90% of the world’s caviar but as supply dwindled, so did production – commonly farmed varieties today are osetra, baerii and white sturgeon. Farm raised sturgeon swim in artesian well water, are fed an ideal toxin free diet and have no predators. Other than farmed caviar alternates are American (lake)caviar, Paddlefish Caviar, Hackleback Caviar, Bowfin Caviar, Salmon Caviar, Whitefish Caviar, Trout Caviar, Lumpfish Caviar, and Capelin Caviar. Be aware that some caviar is dyed a uniform color – gently rinse before using in a recipe.

Any Beluga caviar you eat today is bad. The caviar was probably harvest in or before fall 2005, or has come to the US via poachers or the black market. If you come across other fine caviar, then you should treat it simply.

Store unopened caviar in the coldest part of your fridge, usually the bottom back for 28 degrees. The salt and oils in caviar keep it from freezing. If you can’t get it that cold, place an ice pack on top and it will keep for 2-4 weeks. Pasteurized caviar need not even be refrigerated until serving and will last up to one year in the pantry. The best way is to stuff your guests’ mouths with it and buy immediately when you need it.

To store opened caviar, put clingy wrap and press down tightly. You have two days to finish it off. Never freeze unless you have an emergency – at least half the caviar will spoil. Thaw slowly in the fridge and use only as garnish. These are theoretical – I always buy less than needed insuring that I necessarily run out of it.

Remove it from the fridge and let is stand for about 15 minutes and then open and serve immediately. Serve it in the tin container wherein it arrived. Set it on a bed of crushed ice. You could also go all fancy and buy a special caviar server or other small dish but be sure to keep in fresh and cold on crushed ice. Place the lid name side up beside the opened caviar so you know what you’re serving.

Metal utensils are supposed to degrade caviar. Get real – it came in a tin. Even glass caviar jars have metal lids. The exception is sterling silver – one tarnishes the other but I am not sure which. . All the same you should perhaps invest in a mother of pearl spoon because it is appropriately special, 90% of my guests expect it and act suitably sho ked because it is “traditional”. That is so Fiddler on the Roof but I do not want to appear combative when there is so much else going on. Bone or glass spoons are nice. Wood seems wrong and plastic is so faux pas. So pearl seems best.

Serve caviar as simply as possible. I prefer to eat them au naturel. For drinks, serve unflavored vodka, a dry champagne or mineral water, very well chilled. Freeze the vodka and chill the glasses. For accompaniments, the classic Russian combination is still the best – cavian and blini, buttered or with a dollop of creme fraiche, or even sour cream. Use toast points of very small thinly sliced baguettes. Lightly toast bread but still soft, not crumbly like crackers. Historically, it was served with lemon wedges, capers, finely chopped onion and hard cooked eggs, as caviar was not always as fresh and you needed to mask the nasty smell. Potatoes and eggs make good caviar vehicles.

Figure on 0.5 oz per caviar served a la louche per guest. Serving in appetizers makes it go a long way – 1 ounce yields 20 0.25 tsp servings. This is all random really. Someone asked how I calculate food per guest. There are some rules.

• Appetizers – guests consume 5 hors d’ouevres per person per hour for the first 2 hours and 3 per person per hour for each additional hour. So for a 3 hour long party for 10, you need 130 appetizers, but less if you follow with a meal.
• Prepare 1 lb snack food per person and 1.5lb meal food per person.
• Add the total weight of the ingredients in a dip and use the 1.5 lb rule (a dip is like a meal)
• 1 person can eat 20 1″ bread cu bes (1/2 load of French bread, 6 oz of cheese, 8 oz veggies (before trimming), 8 oz fruit, 4 oz dried fruit, 4 cookies and 2 oz of dessert sauce. Total up to 1.5 lbs of food per person
• Guests consume 2 drinks per person per hour for the first 2 hours, then 1 dirnk per peron per hour thereafter. Stock 1 lb ice per person. More for a warm weather outdoor party but half if pre-chilled or short parties.
• 3 times as many glasses as guests – you dont want to rinse in the middle of dinner.
• 3 cocktail napkins per person per hour.

Apartment Therapy

Apartment agencies for overseas short term rental

ALL OVER EUROPE

Barclay International Group
www.barclayweb.com

Villas and Apartments Abroad
www.vaanyc.com

Ville et Village
www.villeetvillage.com

SITE-SPECIFIC

Amsterdam
www.lovingamsterdam.com

Buenos Aires
www.alojargentina.com

London
www.farnum-christ.com

New York
www.new-york-apartment.com
www.nyhabitat.com

Paris
www.chezvous.com
www.parisluxuryrentals.com

Prague
www.lovingprague.com

Rome
www.leisureinrome.com

Something Manly

Q1:

• Bud Light/Face Off: Nice!
• Doritos/Crash: funny
• Blockbuster/Mouse: funny
• Sierra Mist/Combover: meh
• Salesgenie.com/Sales Guy: meh
• Sierra Mist/Karate: enough
• Toyota/Tundra: meh
• FedEx/Moon office: uh, no
• Bud Light/Wedding: funny
• Snickers/Mechanic: ha ha!
• Schick/Quattro: loved it
• Chevrolet/Singers: annoying

Q2:

• Bud Light/Classroom: meh
• Godaddy.com/Marketing: how do they make money?
• Coke/love: meh
• Bud/Dalmatian: eh
• Garmin/Maposaurus: go go power ranger
• Careerbuilder/Jungle: eh
• Doritos/Cashier: LOL
• Chevrolet/Car wash: oh no they didn’t
• Bud Light/Slap: LOL! loved it
• AHA/Heart: no
• GMC/Robots: awww, All By Myself!
• Coke/Black history: nice music

Q3:

• Sprint/Broadband: no
• Frito Lay/Fans: no
• Coke/Rebirth: so Cocoon
• E-trade/Robbery: LOL. “Lady, don’t be a hero”
• Coke/Assembly Line: animation to good use. Loved the furry Coke monsters.
• Bud Light/Gorillas: talking animals is so circa 2001
• Revlon/Sheryl Crow: so ten minutes ago
• Careerbuilder/Battle: enough already
• Taco Bell/Lions: Carrne asada. Who is Ricardo Montalban?
• Van Heusen/Wardrobe: meh
• Toyota/Tundra Ramp: no
• Emerald Nuts/Office: Robert Goulet? Ha. Too much.

Q4:

• T-Mobile/My Favs: enough Berkeley
• FedEx/Ground:
• Nationwide/KFed: “Federline! Fries!”
• Bud Light/Hitchhiker: “He has an axe”; “It’s a bottle opener”
• Budweiser/Crabs: loved it
• Prudential/Retirement: meh
• Honda/CR-V: lame
• HP/Choppers: no
• IZOD/Vacation: are you kidding me?
• Budweiser/Strategy: Shula v JayZ. but was that Beyonce blowing?
• Etrade/One Finger: eh
• Careerbuilder/Interview: “Save Holland”. So odd

Overall, I thought the Snickers Mechanics was the funniest and most memorable, because it is unexpected. However, the alternate endings and the players reaction to them are wholly juvenile and borderline anti-gay. One player even says it is for the gays who are watching the game for the ads. How utterly observative of him.

Souper Blogger

2:53 p.m. Super Bowl XLI. I like the Roman numerals and of course Da Chicago Bears! Plus I’m horribly bereft with the whole burning tire in the car thing, bored out of my mind so I decided to liveblog this.  Prince -who was in that trolley on Nicollet Mall so long ago – is performing the Half Time show. And people seem pretty enthused about this Peyton Manning kid. I have a sandwich and Zero Coke.

2:54 p.m. This is apparently Cirque du Soleil, but it looks like a Super Mario Bros. game. Also, I had pajamas just like that as a kid.

2:57 p.m. Of course, my people are more about the commercials than the  game. Also, I simply have no idea why this is called football. It is not Manchester United. No way.

3:04 p.m. Announcers make awkward comment re: Smith and Dungy. Okay then.

3:10 p.m. B is attempting to explain American footbal to me. Good effort.

3:18 p.m. Billy Joel sings the national anthem. It’s moving nonetheless. Also, he is so old.

3:20 p.m. I believe I will skip Norbit.

3:21 p.m. Jessica Simpson declares cheese-filled deliciousness from Pizza Hut to be her one true love. Wasn’t Nick Lachey cheesey?

3:23 p.m. Dan Marino looking snappy. Is M still lusting for him? Or is it in lust for if you transliterate from the German.

3:24 p.m. Chicago wins the toss…

3:28 p.m. That was ridiculous. Chappie just ran 92 yards in the first 14 seconds of the game! Chicago leads 7-0. My Bears. Suddenly, mine.

3:35 p.m. Bud Light, thumbs up. Blockbuster, thumbs down. Leave that poor mouse alone!

3:41 p.m. The beard comb-over. I think the Colts should have gone for that look instead of the goatees.

3:47 p.m. Touchdown Colts! Bears still lead 7-6.

3:54 p.m. Touchdown Chicago!

3:57 p.m. And Chicago leads 14-6.

3:59 p.m. Oprah and David Letterman: what would their love child look like?

4:08 p.m. Instant replays set to the Chemical Brothers. Hot.

4:18 p.m. Car is ready for pickup. Three brand spanking new tires, and a gentle reminder to check air pressure monthly (preferably weekly) and rotate/align every 10K miles. Yes, that will happen. C to give me a ride back to Wheel Works, who were astounding. I’m buying them doughnuts on Tuesday.

4:36 p.m. Why does Diabetes look like Kate Beckinsale in Underworld?
4:40 p.m. Colts lead 16-14…

4:46 p.m. The Wild Hogs preview: Oscar

4:56 p.m. Get your raspberry berets -  it’s nearly Prince time!

5:07 p.m. Only one Prince wardrobe malfunction, you know what I’m talking about

5:10 p.m. Okay now, they. Are. Dancing. In. Stillettos. In. Puddles.

5:18 p.m. I was catching the first 15 minutes of House Of Wax. It just started on Cinemax if you’re interested, and you may still be able to catch Paris Hilton’s death scene. I have the attention span of a gnat.
5:42 p.m. Loved that Coke commercial, because everything in it was small and chubby.
5:51 p.m. Who wakes up one day and says he wants to be an umpire? I think it’s been black and white too long, and those guys need a wardrobe change.

5:53 p.m. Where’s K-Fed?

5:58 p.m. My Fave Five commercial. The best one is still the ‘Secret Lover’ one (“You don’t give another guy’s girl a foot massage, and you definitely don’t put her in your Fave Five!”)

5:59 p.m. and K-Fed is in da house!

6:04 p.m. Chicago makes a field goal– or FG, as B says — bringing the score to 22-17

6:21 p.m. Touchdown for Indianapolis! Those Bears better step it up. Nice slow mos and all that heel pad touching line ad nauseum et infinitum.

6:26 p.m. Because when I think of extreme outdoor sports, I instantly think: IZOD.

6:29 p.m. Sometimes, when I see these guys tackle each other to the ground, it seems just a little too gay

6:34 p.m. “Side effects include runny nose and decrease in semen.” This is like five years back when I had to explain Cialis to G.

6:52 p.m. So Go Daddy.com is a site where you can buy a domain name for your own website. There are millions of dollars (and saucy commercials) to be made from the sale of non-tangible real estate.

6:57 p.m. They already poured the Gatorade on Dungy. Can you call it a premature ejaculation.

6:58 p.m. Criminal Minds with Dawson (where did he go from the creek?) getting his evil on. That oughta cheer you up.

7:01 p.m. And my shift starts. Just in time.

Cyrus Alexander

Where do chefs go on Monday nights for dinner? If you live in San Francisco, you go to Cyrus. It is named after (i) the sun (ii) the founder of the ancient Persian empire (as opposed to Darius) and (ii) Cyrus Alexander, the explorer who discovered the valley that bears his name and, now, many grape varietals. The restaurant is tucked away in provincial, tony Healdsburg’s downtown in Hotel Les Mars which is always room for doubt but not tonight.

When you arrive for your meal, the hostess practically jumps out of her skin to escort you to the dining room. Ask for table 16 (the Mafia table) or, better, table 15 (get a view of everyone except table 16, who thusly cannot see you, ha ha). You used to be announced to the chef on an anicent looking dial phone. Hello chef, M and S are here to celebrate M’s birthday so could you please send some canapes to table 16? It sounds silly I but know but you just sit down and go with the flow. If there is anything this place does is it relaxes you. And you are there to relax and people watch. At a banquette directly ahead of us, we saw a couple getting progressively relaxed with each other. A collar button is loosened. She is most definitely getting lucky tonight. Cyrus does that to people.

Little canapes appear in tiny sea salt spoons. I am reproducing the menu verbatim below as the tasting menu was truly a surprise. I had messaged Doug the week before and indicated we would do the tasting menu and were at his whim and fancy – do whatever is best given our restrictions (no tomatoes/chocolate for M, ovolactovegetarian for me) and he did not disappoint. I took a break between courses 4 and 5, and thanked him in the kitchen, meticulous yet busy. There are so many waitstaff that everyone including Brendan is constantly giving you undivided attention. Brendan is from Kansas and used bacon to covertly convert his girl friend who was historically vegetarian. Information I could barely care about. He probably buys mousse by the gallon – clearly never got the memo or it is still in his spam folder. When a raucous party of ten gayboys celebrating a 50th got the patio communal table, he quickly deserted us and we got the tallest whitest guy around. His lisp made it hard to understand the Anglicized pronunciations of the Italian varietals but luckily I can read labels. He got major plus points for gingerly wrapping remaindered cheeses in wax papers for me.

Service is attentive without being hovering. A newer busboy wanted to clear my cauliflower soup (which should always be paired with Chardonnay or Chablis, I learnt) twice. He was summarily excepted from our table. Those nutters are here for the entire night, don’t rush them, I believe he was executed thereafter.

So Brendon, our designated sommelier, comes to our table with the Cart for Champagne and Caviar. There are many deficiencies in my villa. This is one of them. An antique caviar scale was on hand and I thought it a bit too precious for the five varieties of caviar on sale at some egregious price. The caviar comes with accompaniments – thinly sliced fingerlings, creme friache, egg yolk and chives. I miss blinis but I could make little towers with these items. The champagnes were pretty standard fare so we passed, choosing instead some insanely tropical cocktails prepared by Scott Beattie. M had the Pelo Del Perro (Charbay Ruby Red Grapefruit Vodka, Rio Red Grapefruit and Bearess Lime Juices, Agave nectar, 500 mg B12 and Seltzer) while I opted for, obviously, the Hot Indian Date (Pirapora Cachaca, Muddle Rangpur Lime, Date-Honey-Chili Syrup with tamarind extract). You are tempted by in house bread, English churned sweet butter and a luscious goat cheese creme with flaky Adriatic and spicy pink Hawaiian sea salt. An amuse bouche arrived in a giant steel soup spoon on yet another German white appetizer plate. All of the flatware is crispy white and German, leaving all the fancy for the food showcase.

I am glad we opted for the seven course tasting meal, and wine paired. One of the things to be aware of is that you will need to pee inexorably and so people are forever heading to the toilet. This sends a frisson of activity that heads to the galley and thereupon to the kitchen – the food is timed. We were in no hurry. An older couple there for anniversary next to us chose the same tasting menu but arrived and departed between our courses. Timing perfection had been achieved and I knew it was unhurried yet measured. Lovely.

Nearing the end of our savory courses, we received an intermezzo of mango and cilantro (as popsicle discs on coffee stir sticks) which were bliss. The cheese cart appeared and Jim masterfully prepared a cheese plate. There was no Stilton (off season) but we did request some sharp English cheddar (M loves it) and enjoyed a variety of soft, hard and double cream varieties. They were matched with pumpernickel bread, whole grain croquettes, dates (unpitted!), poached pears and the most rummy pannaforte (in house) I have ever head. Candied walnuts, pecans and macadamia nuts. I am feeling so stuffed by this time. Also I need to pee. Again. I think I would go back just for the cheese cart. There appeared little shot glasses with cherry tamarind syrup and a metal straw. Another smartly tied lesbian looking (not that we don’t love our lesbian lookers) waitstaff filled it with seltzer and gave us our sody pops. Now I know the Midwest well and NOBODY there calls it sody pop. But it was adorable.

By now, I am a little drunk what can I say? Without slurring a tad. So here comes dessert which was a sad failure. I am so not avant-garde is all I can defend. Kettle corn sorbet lined by kettle popped corn and roofed by chocolate netting, it collapses into place with caramel soup, non flambee. Somehow I want to watch a movie when I eat popped corn or ride a wheel. It seemed discordant but the port made up for it.

The coffee from Honduras was not exceptional and a little bitter, but someone remembered to heat and froth the milk. Score. Clean stainless steel coffee ware. Our tiny petits fours were incredible – home made caramels, key lime mousse, dark chocolate truffles and cocoanut ices. A takeaway box of little treats in golden wrapping was mignardises, for the ride home. With the custom menu and liquored up with no less than eleven wines, I overhydrated, pulled out bottled water from the trunk and headed home. It was a lovely dinner indeed.

Please don’t ask me how much it cost. It was a five hour dinner and absolutely worth it. I would do a five courser next time but the wine pairing stays. Only drink more water.

Heady Healdsburg

Brown Estates in St. Helena is a small family owned private winery in the eastern hills of Napa. Ring ahead and Bassett Brown (or his lovely wife Maricela) will fax you detailed driving directions. There is little to no mobile cell reception in the eastern hills and there are no route markers. Bassett was a physician in Jamaica before turning to wine crushing as a hobby and then as vocation. His children Deneen (marketing), Coral (sales, tasting room, promotion) and David (operations) and Vermont (security detail, four legged) are quite simply the most charming staff one could hope for. Coral embarked on medical school with M before forsaking it (wisely), so we secured guest passes to the holiday wine club event today. 177 guests, including us and a very friendly gay quartet from the city, were getting sloshed in the five year old caves and checking out the refurbished but Victorian period home the Browns call home. I enjoyed the 2005 Zinfandel (should be ready to drink in 5 years) and M enjoyed the late harvest zin, a dessert wine. The tasting room was relaxed no pressure and filled with lovely hors d’oeuvres.

Russian Hill Estate Winery has one of the more spectacular patios in Windsor. Aptly named, their Patio Pink, a dry rose of pinot noir was quite refreshing and casual. Known for their Pinot Noirs, I enjoyed the one generated from their Leras vineyard.

When you go to Ferrari, you are wisely advised to skip the library tasting in the cellar and stick to the friendlier tastingroom upstairs (ground level). The grounds are well manicured but schizoid in planning – there are Provencal, Perigord, East Anglican and Szechuan accents peppered about so I am not quite sure what was intended. Sauvignon blanc when only partially steeled makes for a rather perky Fume blanc, an excellent accompaniment to food containing peppercorns. Erroneously used as a synonym for sauv blanc, it is actually an oaked sauv blanc, first used by Robert Mondai winery in 1968. Blanc fume is the local name of a white fog from the river below that envelopes the Loire and hence the name was Americanized for us. The Pouilly-Fume, a Loire sauv blanc, tastes similar. To his credit, Mondavi did not trade mark the name and local wineries are free to use it.

Apart Meant

If you’re staying overseas for more than four (4) days in the same city, it makes sense to rent a short term apartment.

Some tips:

1. Time limits
Be aware that many apartments require minimum stays of one week, one month, or even longer. If you’ll be in a city less than a week, a short-term rental is unlikely to be practical.

2. Book early
To get the best possible prices and selection, try to reserve at least four to six months before your trip.

3. Background check
Agencies should provide references, and Slowtrav.com is also a good resource, with reviews of rentals around the world.

4. Numbers game
How many people an apartment can sleep is not necessarily the same as how many it sleeps comfortably. Find out the number of full rooms and beds a place has before you commit. Don’t rely on photos, which can be deceptive, to get a sense of the size of an apartment. The square footage is a more precise measure (one square meter is approximately 11 square feet). Finally, ask about elevator service, especially if you’re traveling with anyone who may have problems climbing several flights.

5. Cooling agents
Inquire about air-conditioning, which isn’t standard in most European apartments, and beware of the agent who talks up the wonders of cross-ventilation.

6. Call before you commit
Although Web sites can be a handy research tool, talk to an agent directly before pulling out your credit card. Agencies often have more apartments than they list online, and you can tailor amenities more easily over the phone. You may even be able to drive the price down.

7. Read the fine print
To ensure that your vacation isn’t a horror story of confused dates and false promises, read the contract carefully before signing.

8. At your service
Most rentals include a onetime housekeeping fee, but if you are staying more than a week, you may want to arrange for additional maid service. Some agencies can also arrange for the kitchen to be stocked prior to your arrival.

9. Phone home
Telephones in rental apartments are often restricted to local service. If you plan to make long-distance calls, get a country-compatible cell phone with prepaid minutes, or a phone card.

10. Plan ahead
You will be exploring on your own—exactly the fun of renting an apartment, but also the challenge. Unless you plan on using a private concierge service, no one will be there to score you reservations, so book restaurants and theater tickets far in advance and come with good guidebooks and maps.