Round-Up

Resolution analysis from New Year’s

1. Work less (days): achieved. Yes!
2. Work more (in yard)
3. Spa more.
4. Travel more.
5. Play more piano.
6. Read more.
7. Give more. Yes!
8. Be nice to everyone, especially the stupid ones in the ER: partly achieved
9. Unclutter life. Partly cleaned up
10. Keep it simple. Finally!
11. Be less anal. (This will not be achieved): achieved. Unbelievable. Without drugs
12. Fulfil goals*

 *Numerical Goals:

• work no more than 200 days and 100 nights: achieved
• sleep 7 hours nightly: achieved
• complete 2 rooms: achieved
• spa 7 times a week
• run 1 marathon
• drop heart rate to 55
• see 2 new countries
• piano every day
• read 26 books
• give 10% to charity: achieved. Yes sir!

Banoffee Pie

If you have a food emergency (hungry, using pantry, not much time available once you have the toffee mixture ready), consider the Banoffi Pie which was invented at the Hungry Monk in Sussex in 1972. Rumored to be Mrs. Thatcher’s favorite pudding, here is the original recipe which serves a dozen’s party:

* 12 oz uncooked shortcrust pastry

*1.5 13.5 oz cans condensed milk

* 1.5 lb firm bananas

*  375 mL double cream

* 0.5 tsp instant coffee; some freshly ground coffee beans

* 1 tsp castor sugar

Historically (secret here), immerse cans of milk unopened into a deep pan of boiling water. Cover and boil for 5 hours, ensuring that the pan does not boil dry. If you do not top up the pan with water CONSTANTLY, the cans will explode with grave results to life, limb and kitchen ceilings. Trust. Suggest you boil several cans at once and leave toffee unopened in the pantry. Remove the tin from the water and allow to cool completely before opening: inside you will find the soft toffee filling.

Prehat oven to 400F. Grease a 10×15″ flan tin and line with pastry thinly rolled out. Prick base with a fork and bake blind until crisp. Allow to cool. Whipe cream with instant coffee and sugar until thick and smooth. Spread tofee over base of flan. Peel and halve bananas lengthwise and lay on toffee. Spoon on cream and lightly sprinkle over freshly ground coffee.

Dream Girls

The oft belted Broadway musical has spawned its own filmed iteration featuring the classic song “And I am Telling You I’m Not Going”. While critic trip over themselves to laud Jennifer Hudson, others have offered their own take on this song including but not limited to the original Jennifer Holiday, the reduced Jennifer Holiday, Frenchie Davis, Tamyra Gray, Marty Thomas (from “Wicked”), and Ms Whitney Houston herself.

We’re part of the same place. We’re part of the same time.

We both share the same blood. We both have the same mind.

And time and time we have so much to share

Roasting Chestnuts

You’ve probably heard or seen any iteration of the heart warming “Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas” song immortalized by the Judy Garlan character as she sings it to the Margaret O’Brien character in the film “Meet me in Saint Louis” (The Trolley song is the more famous) but the song, first published in 1943 with lyrics by Ralph Blane and music by Hugh Martin, is easily the most depressing of the season.

The original lyrics:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas – It may be your last
Next year we may all be living in the past
Have yourself a merry little Christmas – Make the Yuletide gay.
Next year we may all be many miles away.

No good times like the olden days,

Happy golden days of yore,

Faithful friends who were dear to us

Will be near to us no more.

But at least we all will be together – If the Lord allows.

From now on we’ll have to muddle through somehow.

So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Garland’s adaptation (the filmed version):

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas – Make the yuletide gay
Next year all our troubles will be miles away

Once again as in olden days

Happy golden days of yore

Faithful friends who were near to us

Will be near to us once more

Someday soon we all will be together if the fates allow.

Until then, we’ll have to muddle through somehow

So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Frank Sinatra’s spin:

Christmas future is far away

Christmas past is past

Christmas present is here today

Bringing joy that may last

Have yourself a merry little Christmas – Let your heart be light

From now on, our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas – Make the Yule-tide gay,

From now on, our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,

Happy golden days of yore.

Faithful friends who are near to us

Gather near to us once more.

Through the years, we all will be together,

If the Fates allow, hang a shining star upon the highest bough.

And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

James Taylor (2001):

(Introduction)

Christmas future is far away

Christmas past is past

Christmas present is here today

Bringing joy that may last

(Refrain)

Have yourself a blessed little Christmas – may your heart be light

In a year our troubles will be out of sight

From now on

Have yourself a blessed little Christmas – Make the yuletide gay

In a year our troubles will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days

Happy golden days of yore

Precious friends who are dear to us

Gather near to us once more

I know that in a year we all will be together

If the fates allow

Until then, we’ll just have to muddle through somehow

And have ourselves a blessed little Christmas now.

I guess we’ll just have to muddle through somehow as long as the yule tide remains gay (how did that go unnoticed?). Needs must go to the mall early on Boxing Day to return that hideous jumper with the square faced reindeer and the tie with the sparkly lights.

Christmas Numbers

This year, we will fork over $795.86 (up 5% form last year) over Christmas shopping and total spending will be a record $154 billion.  We will spend $454 on presents for family, compared to $86.13 and $22.29 on friends and coworkers, respectively. Factoring in lights, wreaths, inflatable snowmen and electrified Santas for the lawn, it is the most expensive decorating holiday of the year with an average expense of $47.14. The average home will send 26 Christmas cards (tip your postal carrier) costing $30.77 (not including postage) for a total of some 2 billion cards. Forget Mothers’ Day, Christmas is more popular when it comes to flowers as we spend an average of $19.11 each, with everything comin up poinsettias in 83% households. Between fruitcake and eggnog to ginger bread men, we shell out $91.83 on food. This includes spending on the more than 1.8 million candy canes being confectioneered. 40% of celebrators are hoping for something electronic in the stocking, preferably MP3 players. And you thought that was so last year. We plan to buy 31 million real Christmas trees this year. Because what would be more festive than a dead tree in the center of your home?

Happy Christmas

I insist on being most ornery and wishing everyone a very unPC Happy Christmas. Let us not pretend we know not what the reason for the season is (they play that song on satellite radio every 74 minutes) and call it like it is. None of this Holiday Tree and Breakfast with Frosty the Snowman for me. I want my Santa, I want my gifts and I want my fucking Christmas tree. But a tree in my sitting room? Then I began to think. Which is always rather tedious. Why bring in a conifer into the home? I am thinking pine needles stuck in the ball of my tender feet and all those accoutrements around the base. It is literally a tinder box ready to go up in glorious flames. A ded tree does not bring life to my Sitting Room but it merely reminds me of the horrors of deforestation. Porch lights are fine if they are meant to act as sentinel lighthhouses but my neighbors have action figurines and holographic present boxes. Electrified Santas will eventually plunge us all into darkness. Buy LED lights instead.

I do not do gift exchanges any more. It is rather a nasty habit. I like to make my own gifts (and I don’t mean doll’s houses out of toilet paper rolls but baked goods) and that serves a lovely purpose as you cannot place a $ value on them. The gift-matching calculus is too macabre to behold. Instead of re-gifting, I exchange for money or gift cards, which I can then give away to the home help. The groundsman, the maid, the paper delivery man, the post delivery lady, my very hot UPS driver and sundry deserve more than Belgian chocolates on discount at the World Market. I am for once delighted to say that materially I am more than content, I am sated. I do not need anything and therefore prefer much to be the giver. Except of course I can never turn away tea in any form. There are several charities that need funding and you should pick your favorites and rotate among them. Like manure, charity should be spread around for it to do any good.

Are people still eating turkey at the feast? Feeding an animal (ugly while it is) for months on end simply that it might be electrocuted, plucked, mutilated and roasted in wasteful and downright cruel. Being vegetarian can be bloody enjoyable and a cracking time was had by all last night at the Christmas dinner at home. Of course, we completely forgot to eat the lovely vin santo soaked (and I mean 64 days) pudding cake and German sugar cookies. M made his lovely cheesecake with a black chocolate crust and a delicious goeey cranberry topping. A prepared her legendary salad with halved grapes and a cranberry pomegranate vinaigrette. Bring out the Rieslings and pizzetti, who needs foul fowl?

I hate Christmas carolers who come a knocking in our subdivision. They are not exactly fetching to look at but they’re dreadfully out of tune. Also, do they not know of what theysing? Young people going door to door singing for alms is most anti-social. The lyric wallows in religious mythology, materialistic insanity, animal cruelty and celebration of feudal lords. If anyone ever gave me a partridge in a pear tree, I would be livid. Can I trade in my partridge for a Radio Shack gift card? Don’t think so. Being fully landscaped, I wouldn’t know where to locate the pear tree. It would be severely impractical . That is only day one. If you add all of the chattel, you have 23 birds, 17 women and 23 musicians. How is that for a lyric that is speciesist, misogynistic and consumerist? Give me a warm fireplace, a fat book and tea.

But. To R and M, I love my tea presents.

Bali Phrases

Greetings and civilities

• Good morning – Selamat Pagi
• Good afternoon – Selamat Siang.
• Good evening – Selamat Sore.
• Good night – Selamat Malam.
• Goodbye – Selamat Tinggal.
• How are you? – Apa Kabar?
• I am fine – Kabar Baik.
• What is your name? – Siapa nama anda?
• My name is… – Nama saya…
• Nice to meet you – Senang berkenalan dengan anda.
• See you later – Sampai jumpa lagi.
• Goodbye (said to people leaving) – Selamat jalan.
• Goodbye (said to people staying) – Selamat tinggal.
• I do not understand – Saya tidak mengerti.
• I do not speak Indonesian – Saya tidak mengerti bahasa.

General

• Yes – Ya / Tentu.
• O.K. – Beres.
• No / not – Tidak / bukan.
• Thank you – Terima kasih.
• You’re welcome – Kembali.
• Please – Tolong / Silakan.
• Please help me – Tolonglah saya.
• Excuse me – Permisi.
• Sorry – Ma’af.
• What time is it? – Jam berapa?
• This – Ini.
• That – Itu.
• Dari mana? – Where have you just come from?
• Tuan asal dari mana? – What country are you from?.
• Mau ke mana? – Where are you going?
• Be careful / attention – Hati Hati

Shopping

• Only looking – Lihat saja.
• I want to buy this – Saya mau beli.
• How much? – Berapa?
• How much is it? – Berapa Harganya? (MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL)
• Expensive – Mahal.
• It’s too expensive – Harganya terlalu mahal. (SECOND MOST IMPORTANT)
• Can you make it cheaper? – Boleh kurang harganya?
• What is your fixed price? – Harga pas berapa?
• Will you please leave me alone? – Sudikah anda membiarkan saya sendiri?

Eating

• I want the menu please – Saya mau daftar makanan minta.
• Tuan mau minum apa? – What would you like to drink?
• I would like to drink water / beer – Mau minum air / bir.
• Drinking water – Air minum.
• (Hot) Tea / coffee – Teh (panas) / kopi.
• Without sugar / milk – Tanpa gula / susu.
• With a little sugar / milk – Sedikit gula / susu.
• Tuan mau makan apa? – What would you like to eat?
• I would like to eat (spicy) chicken fried rice / spring rolls – Mau makan (pedas) nasi goreng ayam / lumpia.
• I would like to eat banana pancakes please – Mau makan kue dadar minta.
• How do you say it in English? – Apa bahasa Inggrisnya (pointing to strange item on menu)?
• I want the bill (check), thank you – Saya mau rekening, terima kasih.
• The bill (check) please – Tolong bonnya.

Accommodation

• Simple accommodations in Bali are advertised as losmen, penginapan and wisma.
• Accommodations advertised as resorts and hotels are typically very similar to what would be expected in western countries.
• The best hotel – Hotel paling baik.
• The cheapest hotel – Hotel paling murah.
• Mid-priced – Tidak mahal, tidak murah.
• Clean – Bersih.
• Are there rooms available? – Ada Kamar?
• Do you have a room? – Masih ada kamar kosong disini?
• Do you have any air-conditioned rooms? – Ada kamar dengan AC?
• A.C. – Air-conditioned
• Do you have fan-cooled rooms? – Ada kamar dengan kipas?
• Kipas – fan.
• What is the cost of the room? – Berapa ongkos kamar?
• What is the cost of this room? – Berapa harga untuk kamar ini?
• Two people – Dua orang.
• Including meals? – Termasuk makanan?
• Is there a toilet, bathroom? – Ada WC, tempat mandi?
• Bedsheet – Sprei
• Blanket – Selimut
• Towel – Handuk
• Soap – Sabun
• Can you wash clothes? – Bisa cuci pakaian?

Transport

• Where is the bus station? – Stasiun bis dimana?
• When is there a bus to…? – Kapan ada bis ke…?
• What time does it leave? – Berangkat jam berapa?
• How many hours to…? – Beraoa jam sampai…?
• Where is the airport? – Bandara dimana?
• What is the cost of a ticket to…? – Karcis ke…berapa?
• Can I have two tickets? – Saya minta dua karcis?

Directions

• Where is the toilet? – Dimana kamar kecil?
• Where is the beach? – Dimana pantai?
• Where is there a hotel? – Mana ada hotel?
• Where is there a restaurant? – Mana ada rumah makan?
• Where is the path to the waterfall? – Dimana jalan ke air terjun?
• Where is…? – Dimana…?
• How far is it? – Berapa jauh dari sini?
• Dekat – Near
• Jauh – Far
• What is the name of this street? – Apa nama jalan ini?
• Utara – North
• Selatan – South
• Timur – East
• Barat – West
• Kanan – Right
• Kiri – Left

Days of the week

• Sunday – Minggu
• Monday – Senin
• Tuesday – Selasa
• Wednesday – Rabu
• Thursday – Kamis
• Friday – Jum’at
• Saturday – Sabtu

Time of day

• Morning – Pagi
• Noon – Siang
• Evening / Night – Malam
• Yesterday – Kemarin
• Today – Hari ini
• Tomorrow – Besok
• Day after tomorrow – Lusa

Time

• Day – Hari
• Week – Minggu
• Month – Bulan
• Year – Tahun

Affluenza Epidemic

What was I thinking when I thought of popping into the neighborhood mall to pick up a tiny gift massager over the weekend. With zero parking spaces left, I abandoned all hopes to fulfil my quest. It is clear that everyone in my county has been afflicted with affluenza.

Affluenza, for ye who live in Bethlehem, is the bloated, sluggish and unfulfilled feeling resulting from efforts to keep up with the Nguyens (or Joneses) characterized by an epidemic of stress, overwork, waste and perpetual indebtedness caused by the dogged pursuit of the American dream, marked by an unsustainable addiction to economic growth.

Fun facts for your Monday:

• The average 1950s American home was 900 square feet. Today this is the typical three car garage.
• The percentage of Americans calling ourselves “very happy” reached its peak in 1957 and has remained stable or declined since. However, we consume twice as much today.
• We spend an average of 1 year of our life time watching adverts on telly. We spend only 40 weekly minutes playing with our children and members of working couples speak with each other only 12 daily minutes.
• We carry $1 trillion in personal debt, which comes down to approximately $4000 per capita, excluding real property and mortgages. We save only 4% of our income (the Japanese save 16%)
• In 1996, more than 1 million of us declared bakruptcy, three times as many as in 1986. We have more than 1 billion credit cards and less than one third of these pay off monthly balances in full. More people declared bankruptcy than graduated college. Now I am sad.
• In the industrialized world, the discrepancy between the rich and poor is the greatest in the US, we rank 22nd in income equality between the rich and the poor.
• The world’s 358 billionaires together possess as much money as the poorest 50% of the world’s population (which would be 5 billion people)
• Since 1950, we have used more resources that a any of everyone who ever lived before us, the combined Third World populations and the Romans at the height of the Roman Empire.
• We waste. We throw away 7 million cars per annum, 2 million plastic bottles hourly and enough aluminium cans annually to make six thousand DC-10 airplanes. We could fill our yearly waste in a convoy of garbage trucks to wrap around the Earth six times and reach halfway to the moon.
• 86% of us when we voluntarily cut back on our consumption feel happier. Only 9% said they were less happy. In 1996, 5% of the baby boomers reported practicing voluntary simplicity. In 2000, this went up to 15%

Take the affluenza test now. I believe in the very near future, there will be no room in the world for things as it will be filled up with adverts for things.

Office Party

Office party tonight. Nothing like mandatory fun. Survival tips-

• Eschew political correctness and wish everyone “Merry Christmas”. Why even pretend to not offend?
• Don’t wear that jumper with the square reindeer or the tie which lights up and plays a happy tune.
• Never begin a relationship at an office party. That guy from payroll looks cute after eggnog but he will still be living with his mother when you wake up inthe morning.
• Don’t hang with your coworkers all night long. Circulate. You get more gossip from the spouses.
• I hate significant others. This is valid for the current time only.
• If you feel awkward, be a pretend host. Rescue the stranded and introduce them to others. Offer to get drinks from the bar. Get everyone sloshed. This is my favorite ploy.
• Don’t talk about personal work issues. Kiss o; death.
• Keep drinks in your left hand so you can shake hands with the right. I don’t shake hands in the flu season so I have two drinks going. The right hand is water with a wedge of lime. Always hydrate and moisturize.
• Eat neat things so you don’t squirt or splurt over coworkers. If you do, let them clean up the mess. Don’t do the extended touch.
• Watch your drinking. Coworkers are also watching your drinking.
• No matter how hung over, you must absolutely come to work tomorrow. Have a big breakfast and loads of Ethiopian coffee. Remember we have to talk about anyone who does not turn up.
• Thank the event planner with a nice note no matter that the party was a dreaded pot luck.

My gift: my legendary white sangria and yum yum Mojitos.

Shoot Christmas

Shooting children last weekend for the holiday postcard was an absolute unmitigated disaster. They move. Constantly.

Next project: shoot stationary Christmas lights. Some tips.

1. Arrive before it gets totally dark. Check sun set timings and plan your shot ahead of time. Some without dusk timers may be requested to flip the lights on before the goodlight is entirely gone.
2. Compose to include as much sky as possible so shoot from a low location. Shoot into the afterglow of the evening sky.
3. Set your camera’s white balance to “tungsten” (get out the manual or PDF it online) as if you were shooting indoors without a flash. After yourlight balances out, this setting turns the afterglow sky royal blue so it always looks great. The lights gleam crystal white.
4. A light or reflective foreground or puddle (roof of car, snow) gives foreground interest. We don’t do snow here.
5. Use a tripod or beanbag to steady the camera as you need 0.25 to one full second at twilight. Use both hands if using the phone or PDA – brace against something solid.
6. Wait for the light to happen. Check after each shot as the lights “come up” as the ambient light goes down. Somewhere between sunset and full dark, magic happens. It is a ten-minute window. Use it or lose it. This is exactly when architectural photographers make the big bucks and are smart enough to tell everyone in the subject building to leave the lights on that night too. The light will soon be gone. Adjust your eyes.
7. Enjoy the scene with your eyes. Come on, now.
8. Egg nog. Candy cane. Fruit cake.

Dreidel Time

The miracle is how Judah Maccabee and his family made one night’s worth of lamp oil last for eight nights. The four letters appearing on the faces of a dreidel allude to the miracle of Hanukkah. They spell out Nes (N-miracle), Gadol (G-great), Haya (H-happened) and Sham (S-there, meaning in Israel; I am told Israelis dreidels have a modification to Here or Po which looks like an upside down backward G). To begin the game, every player (4-6 are optimum) has about 20 chocolate coins. Each player deposits a coin in the center of the table. Each then takes a turn at spinning the dreidel (“dray dull”). When only one coin or no coin is left, each player adds another piece of candy. She with the most candy (R alert!) wins the game. And all of the candy.

Now, back to me. Gambling is not something Jewish spiritual leaders encouraged and rabbis often speak against games of chance but this is a permitted exception during the long nights of Hanukkah which starts tonight at sundown. A classical dreidel is made of wood (it means “to turn”) and is in fact a clumsy iteration of a nongyroscopic top. Each spin lands on a letter which the player obeys. The letter “nun” which looks like a backward E without the middle hash means “you get none”. The letter “grimmel” which looks like a backward K means “you win all. The letter “hay” which looks like an upside down U means “you win half”, and th letter “shin” which looks rather like a fierce W means put in (up the ante).

It is possible that dreidel is an appropriation of European gambling practices permitted during Yuletide. The English, Irish and Germans all have games using four sided tops with letters on each side. Jewish leaders believe the four sides are the kingdoms (Babylonia, Persia, Greece, Rome) that attempted to destory Israel in ancient times. I really do not know. I just like that most of the coins are edible. Delectably so.

Elationship Issues

Beside “truthiness”, “elationship” has made it into the new urban vocabulary. It espouses a couple that knows each other exclusively via online correspondence, including but not limited to electronic mail exchange. There are ways for Blackberry Orphans to get over their addiction (the first step is recognizing one has a problem). Here are the steps in toto:

• Do not check email during meals. How terribly lucky for me that I feel the absolute need to read constantly during any act of eating alone.
• Do not hide your email habits from your loved ones. If you feel they would be upset to see you BlackBerrying, you probably should not be. This is the “is that a porn site” analogy.
• Commit to stop e-mailing while driving (even at the traffic light change), walking across the street, operating heavy machinery or doing anything that requires attention. I think hands-free BlueTooth enabled phones should be mandatory. I am terrified of espying any neighboring drivers with the phone in one hand and the eyelash curler (torture!) in the other. Yes, they’re all women.
• Do not check email for the first hour of the day - shake off the tic-like ritual. Instead, take tea.
• Endeavour to leave the mobile Berry in the car when off duty with others or at dinner.
• Preserve an email free block of time.
• Set boundaries at work: alert your colleagues that your Berry will be turned off during a specific time slot. I like to go electronically silent over meals.
• Actually turn off your Berry and stick it in a drawer during 7. above
• If in the middle of a work crisis, respect boundaries – block off 15 minute periods to check email and then switch on the Berry again.
• Do not email when socializing. This is simply quite rude.
• Upon arrival at home, ritualize something that separates work from afterhours. Light a candle. Put on the music. Mix a drink. Read a paper. Smell the air. Do not check your email.
• If mobile email overuse creates tension between you and your partner, designate Berry sanctuaries. Like the bed room. Unless you do not have a library/study.

Party Tips

1. Stock your neighbor’s homes with essentials (alcohol, ice, crisps) so when you run out at three in the morning, you know where to knock.
2. Fill your medicine cabinet with shiny marbles. Nothing says nosy guest than the sound of a thousand marble avalanche striking a porcelain sink
3. Pre-crack and uncork all of your liquor. Nobody wants to be the first.
4. Give your party a strict time span.  This way, if it is not going well, at least you know when the agony will end.
5. Have toilet paper.

Munch Keen

Edvard Munch, the Norwegian expressionist painter and printmaker was born on this day in 1863. His best known work, Despair (often known as The Cry or The Scream) is only one of the  pieces in a series entitled The Frieze of Life. He painted several versions of it, one each was stolen in 1994 and 2004 (but have been recovered since then). The most interesting item to me is how easy it was to steal the works (Madonna, Despair) from the Munch Museum in Norway. Two masked men entered through the cafe. One held staff and visitors and gun point while the other walked to the gallery and pulled hard for the cord to break loose, literally tearing the frame off the wall. They fled in a black Audi. The museum had no means of protection for the paintings, not even an alarm bell. Random unverified ransom claims were made and dismissed. The paintings were previously recovered undamaged in a hotel 40 miles south of Oslo.

There is a lithographic version at the Art Institute of Chicago and I find it iconic, yet simple. Following a nervous break down in 1908 and consequent rehabiliation, Mr. Munch turned away from images of private despair and anguish, and created more colorful, optimistic paintings. Go Zoloft!

Quote Able

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.

 

Cocktail Carbs

Long Island Iced Tea – 780 calories, 44 grams of carbohydrates
Margarita – 740 calories, 56 grams of carbohydrates
Pina Colada – 644 calories, 90 grams of carbohydrates
White Russian – 425 calories, 26 grams of carbohydrates
Mai Tai – 350 calories, 30 grams of carbohydrates
Champagne Cocktail – 250 calories, 13 grams of carbohydrates
Fog Cutter – 225 calories, 13 grams of carbohydrates
Gin/Vodka Tonic – 200 calories, 14 grams of carbohydrates
Mojito – 160 calories, 12 grams of carbohydrates
Cosmopolitan – 150 calories, 10 grams of carbohydrates

Prenup Queries

• Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver? I can make the Mac and Cheese on alternate Tuesdays. With saffron.
• Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh? Can you stop spending immediately?
• Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores? I could separate coloreds and whites.
• Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental? If you are on three (3) or more anti-depressants and exhibit demonstrable DSMIV codes in excess of three (3), I need to know. Now.
• Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect? Do you love me more than I could possibly love you?
• Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears? Are you open to threesomes?
• Will there be a television in the bedroom? Will it be a flatscreen plasma on an articulated arm.
• Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints? Can you hear me snore?
• Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education? Shall we do Christmas?
• Do we like and respect each other’s friends? Are you open to threesomes?
• Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
• What does my family do that annoys you? No don’t be too specific. Be broad.
• Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage? My dog stays.
• If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move? To the location of my new job.
• Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face? Okay, you can laugh now. That was not a serious question. Seriously.

Calendario Vaticano

So M, in a valiant effort to cure me of all ill thoughts, is threatening to post me a Calendario Romano for the holidays. Now this brings to mind all kinds of thoughts, most of them ill. Who is the coveted demographic for this kind of material? I would personally await the Swiss Guard 2007 Calendar – they’re much more festive.

Rapid Menus

One

• Spanish Garlic with Sherry
• Fennel with chick peas and saffron aioli
• Mixed Chicory Salad with lemon and olive oil

Two

• Black Olives with red wine and fennel
• Green Olives with toasted cumin and sesame seed
• Breadsticks with tabouleh
• Handcut pappardale with wild mushrooms and black truffle butter
• Arugula and fennel salad with shaved pecorino pepato
• Wine-poached pears with dulce de leche custard sauce

Three

• Bruschetta
• Split Pea soup with carrots, cilantro and cumin
• Persimmon ice cream
• Ginger snaps

Quote Able

Someone to hold you too close, someone to hurt you too deep. Someone to sit in your chair and ruin your sleep and make you aware of being alive. Someone to need you too much, someone to know you too well, someone to pull you up short and put you through hell and make you aware of being alive, and give you support for being alive. Make me alive, make me confused, mock me with praise, let me be used. Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive.

Genius lyric.

Renoir Redux

On Novermber 30, Pierre-August Renoir began a small still life. Two apples. Death came by and he never finished. He was being treat by two Nice physicians, Drs. Prat and Duthil, the latter at his bedside at midnight two hours before his death. He regaled his patient with his exploits about killing two woodcocks. In Renoir’s delirium, he wished to paint them before his death. “Give me my palette.. those two woodcocks… turn the head of that woodcock to the left… give me back my palette.. I can’t paint that beak… quick, some paints.. move those woodcocks.” He died at two in the morning this day in 1919. His works are among the most frequently reproduced images in art history, including but not limited to the Bathers, The Umbrellas, Luncheon of the Boating Party and Le Moulin de la Galette, one of the most expensive paintings ever traded.

Week in Wine

Maserati

1 oz campari. 3 oz champagne. Splash lemon juice. Champagne glass. Festive yet simple for endless refills.